Today Will Haunt Me For The Rest Of My Life

I know that today is not Wednesday, but I just need to get this out and out it somewhere. Today I something so ridiculous and violent that it made me want to scream and cry of fury. This girl at my school got physically abused and jumped by a group or click of kids from another school. Now I knew this girl, I would sometimes call her my daughter, but anyway, she got jumped. Now the way it started was when these group of kids came back from the previous journey they had come for after chasing someone. Well on their way back to wherever they were going, they decided to start messing with some of my school's peers. They just wanted to start trouble.

So this leader or this loud ass guy in the group starting stuff with people begins to talk to this girl I knew. He was insulting her and all kinds of things. I wasn't really listening but all of a sudden, I hear him call for someone and then I see a girl and another girl coming towards me. She jumps on the back of the bench and then she jumps on the girl and starts fighting her. Then the group of boys just start helping her. They were tugging her and then afterwards, they walked away and left her on the ground. They took her phone and began walking down the hill like they were proud of what they did. But like two of the guys from the group were hanging back. So the girl gets up off the ground and goes over to her friend to ask if she could use her phone to look at herself to see if she is bleeding or anything. So she looks at herself and sees that she is not, but she sees bruises about to appear.

Then she is about to use the phone she got from her friend to call the police. But the guys lingering back call back to the group and tell them that her friend is trying to call the cops. So the group looks back to the lingering guys to finish the job. The guys lingering are still there. The friend and the girl then are about to cross the street when the guys lingering snatch the friends phone and join the group back that is walking down the hill. The girls then start heading to go back up the hill to the school to report the incident. Then the late ass police show up and the kids began to leave. Everyone who witnessed it gets on the bus and stays silent.

But not me. When I get on te bus, my uncle is the bus driver so I began to tell him what happened. My body is in grave shock so it's still shaking from the incident. I vent out my emotions of fury and hurt but also guilt. I feel fury and anger because first of all, these kids are bullies and picking on someone who is younger than them. This girl is a freshman. That is so wrong that that happened to her. I was mad at the fact that they were starting stuff with random people. Everybody was minding their own business until they showed up fucking with people. Ugh, that just makes me mad. It shows how kids just have so much time on their hands that they do dumb stuff to get attention. I was hurt because I felt bad for the girl who didn't deserve none of that. She was just chilling, laughing with her friends and just so happen to get into a situation she had no idea was coming. And that is where guilt comes in. Guilt for not helping or trying to defend and stand up for that girl. I know that if I did, I would have probably gotten beaten up, but it is the thought that counts, I can't stress that enough. I feel bad because as much as I wanted to help, I couldn't because I felt so helpless and defenseless. I don't even know if I would have the stability to defend myself, let alone defend another physically.

All I know is that the whole situation that occur really opened my eyes to the many dangers that happen daily. Someone gets hurt or robbed or even worse killed and there is nothing they can do about it. The situation is out of your control. All we can do is pray or hope. Pray that things get better and that that girl isn't hurt and that she will be okay. Pray for those who committed the action for they need guidance and a soul to feel guilt and regret. And hope that things will improve and that people will change. Hope that one day those bastards will get what they deserve. Just hope that you or anyone you love is ever put in that kind of situation. That is all you can do!

This event will playback in my brain for many years. It has made me well aware of my settings and how I need to be able to defend myself when the time comes. I need to find some reassurance that things will get better. I need to know that this event won't kill me by stress and anxiety, but in turn make me stronger. I only hope and pray so.

Mental Instability

This week has been so nerve wrecking. This Monday, I had a mental breakdown, which basically means I had a stress overload where I took on more than I could handle and it just stressed my body to the point of mental instability. I recently a couple of weeks ago began doing Badminton. I tried out to because I wanted to become active again because I haven't been since Soccer and that was like last fall. Anyway, I joined this sport thinking it wouldn't be so much time consuming, BUT I WAS WRONG! Badminton is actually time consuming. Practice is everyday after school. I was like "Omg, What the hell did I just do?"

I knew that I had gone too far, so I tried to get out of it before it started. So that week, I went down to coaches office and I tried to tell him that I could play Badminton anymore. But this girl on the team as I told her my situation told me that the reason for leaving wasn't a good enough excuse. This made me feel like an asshole because she went on about her doing IB and still doing a sport. So me of course said , "If she can do it, Why can't I? So I stayed on the team and kept going to practice. Then more stuff started to occur, more events were demanding. I had to after school clubs, I had homework and then I had service learning hours plus YAR to think about. I already had a full plate and adding Badminton to it was just too much for my tummy. 

So Monday, as I was on my way to school, this feeling of stress just sat with me. On my shoulders, there was so much weight that my body couldn't uptake. I felt like I was going to faint. So as soon as we got to the school, I got off the #22 bus and walked up the hill very slowly. It was about 10 minutes late to class and that was the last thing on my mind. My hands began to shake and my body grew weak, except for my eyes. My eyes were small, and I could hardly see. I felt like I had asian eyes because I had to squint to see and that really strained my eyes. So as I entered the building, I went straight to guidance, not first period but to Ms. Anderson in guidance. Someone was in her room, but of course as usual, the person was babbling about something. I waited until the person left to go in. As I sat there, My eyes began to run like rivers flow. The wouldn't stop.

I could feel myself resisting the tears from falling, but part of me just wanted to let them do because that was the only way that stress was going to come out. So I sat there and told her why I was so stressed. I was stressed about school, about my family and about my future. I was stressed on the many things I should not even be thinking about right now. I was stressed about how I was going to be committed to all these things and not be a unreliable person. I was stressed on what college major I was going to take and how I was going to pay for college so I could take care of my mom in the future. I was stressed about getting a job so I could help my mom with the bills. All this stuff was weight on my shoulders and the last thing I realized was that none of that stuff benefited me at all. Nothing, not one single thing. The reliability was for others, the money for others, the support for others. I had realized I wasn't living my life, OTHERS WERE!

I needed to find some support and guidance in myself. I needed to hear something, to figure out or get some clarity on what to do in this situation. So I asked people, I go other people's opinions and this is what I got:

1. Sometimes you have to be selfish. You have to say no sometimes and think about you because if you don't, you will over commit and that will put me in the situation I am in now.
2. Think about one goal at a time. The goal I should be focusing on now is to gradutate high school. Not paying bills, or worrying about how others think of me, I should focused on what I want to be and try to achieve getting to the next level. 
3. Don't explain yourself to people. If you have your reasons for something and someone tells you that the reason is not good enough, walk the hell away and don't respond. They are not you. They don't have to live your life or feel what you feel. They don't walk in your shoes. Your reasons are just as important and good enough because they are yours, not that other critical person. 
4. If you don't care about it that much, it probably isn't worth your time!
5. This brings me to my final point which is the clarity I have gotten from others. Saying and Doing are two very different things. You can tell a person to stop worrying. But the action is what really counts and it is not that easy to do, especially for me.

 I can't just let something go because I feel that I should be committed to it once I begin it. If I let it go, I will feel like I am not a reliable person and that others will tell that to important people when it is time for me to go places. I don't want others to think of me that way, that is why I feel I have to do everything, cease every opportunity that comes my way because I feel that if I don't grasp it, I'll never have it and then that will cause me to resent others for it. I don't want that to happen. I love people and care too much for that to happen. I just want to know that others support me and encourage me to be all that I can be. I need to know and hear people tell me that I am a reliable person and that I am a dedicated person. I just don't want to feel bad about this anymore. I want to be happy again. 

So for the rest of this week, I will continue to use the luck of the Irish that is being given to me by God. I haven't had anything hard come by me yet, but maybe its slowly coming. Hopefully, I'll be back to normal soon. Goodbye, never mind, I hate goodbyes, talk to you later!

My Research Analysis

Achieving The Goal

Make sure to address the following:

1. Evaluation the outcome of your project against your own criteria for success that you determined at the beginning of this process.  Were you successful or not?  Be specific about why or why not.

2. Did your criteria for success change at any time during this process? Be specific about why or why not.

My outcome for this project was has been totally against the success I planned when I started. I couldn't decide what I actually wanted to do for this project and I changed my topic several time. In the beginning, I had planned to make three products, one of a musical piece, one creative piece, and one visual piece. I had thought it would be so easy, but it became difficult after a while. Then I actually went and read what the personal project should be about, so I switched my project to creative writing. Ever since, it has been so easy for me.

I think now that I am somewhat successful in my personal project because I feel I am close to accomplishing it. The way it is set up is that all my work and product is in a blog. The only thing I would feel I need to improve on is the views for the website. I need that the most because that will help to spread the vulnerability I am giving away for people to see. But being successful wise, I think I am doing very well. My topics relate to my research paper and sometimes they don’t. But I always try to make sure that they do.

My criteria for this project as I said before changed many times. It changed from me wanting to photography, to going to the creative arts, and then lastly changing to creative writing. My sources needed to be changed, my note cards had to be changed. But it was all worth it. I had to go and find new information about the new topic. I used some books, songs, and poetry as sources and I used some blogs as sources. I think my project is finally on the criteria I see it for in finishing in the end.

I think that I still have much to do. I still have to finish on the improvements of the blog and I have to get more people interacting with the blog. I need a hook to grab people’s attention. I think that is my only challenge in criteria now, which is what will get my peers interested. I think once I get them interested, I can get them to see how I manage my life as a struggling teen who hate judgement and wants people to be who they are despite what others think or tell them. I want my project to be great. Hopefully it will.

The Personal Project

Hello Readers, It is time for more explanation of my expression. The personal project I am a doing plays a major role in this blog. It is the reason I created it.

The Personal Project is this reflection of what I have been learning in school for the middle years of high school. For this project, I must express something related to the elements of the areas of interaction. The areas of interaction include:

• Approaches to Learning
• Health and Social Education
• Environments
• Community and Service
• Human Ingenuity

Anyway, I had to do a product for this project, which is this blog, that I will continue after the project ends of course. But for now, I want to help influence my peers on all of the ways they can have fin as teenagers and express themselves by not being judged, but instead listened to and appreciated for it. Blogging Creative Writing is my answer.

My Research paper is to be composed of many musicians, poets and authors.

1. For Musicians, I will use:
• Rise Against - Make It Stop
• Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are
• N.W.A. - Express Yourself
2. For Poets, I will use: 
• Lloyd Schwartz - To My Oldest Friend, Whose Silence is like Death
• Prageeta Sharma - Legacy
• Anna Waldman - Allegorical Baraka 
3. And For Authors
• Stephen Chbosky - The Perks of Being A Wallflower
• J.D. Salinger - The Catcher in the Rye
• Ray Bradbury - Fahrenheit 4451

This should be interesting right?

How Some People Are

I never shared this poem with you, but it is a working progress. It is on the way people act and how I observe it. I kinda of use things I like so if you know what I am talking about, you are living life correctly, but if not, GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER. This poem if for you and I hope you like it. Remember this is not finished and please do not steal my work. Please don't. Cause I will find you and I will kill you (Liam Neeson Taken)


Some people are bullies 

And they love to pick on small heights

They love to call people names

They do it constantly out of spite


You've heard of Tyler Perrys  movies

And Madea who likes to fight 

Well their favorite is to call Tyler Perry

A homo or a transvestite.


Parents like to drink

Their favorite is liquor and wine

But when the glass of liquor spills

To them its like murder or a serious crime 


My moms favorite is E&J or either Smirnoff

She gets her glass and fills it with ice

Its the best time to ask her questions

Cause she’ll be ease and concise.

I know you’ve seen the breakfast club

Where everyone had parent issues

But they realized between them lie no difference

In the personalities they had labeled and misused

I don’t have problems with my parents

Like others usually do

It’s usually something I had with myself

Or others, that’s what makes me so blue.

Cause with the perks of being a wallflower

Comes the problems of the past

That haunt you in your vision

To cause happiness not to last

See it’s one thing to trust

And another to have belief

But if that meant having to lose something

I couldn’t cope with such grief

Cause some people like to hurt you

Steal your heart and tell lies

They pretend to be your friend

And cause tears to come from your eyes

That’s the way people are

They are mean and selfish

But I can’t say everyones like that

There are some people who are generous

Some people are special

And are often very rare

They change your life for the better

To make you really care

Like give a life for a life

To make a change in a wrong

And help others be good

To give a love that last so long

30 Challenges to Help You Start New Good Habits

So over the weekend, I was using the app StumbleUpon to find some self-improving stuff and I came across this list of good habits. They give you thirty challenges and you choose like three or five of them and you try them for a month. I thought it was a good idea to try it, so I am going to list the thirty challenges and maybe you'll want to try it yourself! Here is the list:

1. Write a "I like this about you" or "I appreciate you" not to someone via email, text or letter. This could be for anyone. 
2. Talk to one stranger a day. I find that this is already a habit I posses, this now just gives me an excuse to do it! (ha,ha)
3. Take one picture a day. I am seriously lacking this. I used to use my camera on my phone daily, but since I don't have a phone, Am I Excused?
4. Re-evaluate one long held belief each day. This is very important. I think this should be tried. 
5. Take a thirty minute walk a day. It is great exercise and gives you time to think!
6. Take a moment each day to practice self-compassion and love. Exactly what it says.
7. Try a new recipe each day.
8. Refrain from alcohol or drugs. Yall all weed and DEFINITELY SMOKERS, GOD YOU KILL ME LITERALLY!
9. Write a fifty thousand word novel in thirty days.
10. Learn how to draw a human face. I still can't do it, but I try to every other day. 
11. Watch a documentary each day. 
12. Read a chapter each day. This can be of any day of any book. 
13. Study a topic you would like to master.
14. Walk/Run/Drive a new route to work or school.
15. Read a new article on any website you would like to. 
16. Media fast for thirty days meaning to not get on facebook, twitter, myspace, or instagram for thirty days. 
17. Pick a bad habit of yours and ditch it for thirty days. Shouldn't be hard right?
18. Inspire yourself each day. This leads to creativity guys, remember, writing is key to knowledge and identity. 
19. Take a cold shower each day. I was told this was bad for your body, but eh, who wants to take the chance?
20. Think of a accomplishment you would want to achieve each year for thirty years. 
21. Practice a random skill each day. This is very fun!!!!!
22. Take the stairs every chance you get. I kinda cheat on this one because I sometimes get tired and don't want to walk up those stairs. Ugh!
23. Wake up early everyday. You'll definitely get to school early. Ha!
24. Keep a journal. It is beneficial. Read some of my journal entries, you would know. But it really is helpful and it helps you to remember things throughout the year. 
25. Don't lie for thirty days. This is really a hard one but I did it, so why can't you?
26. Combine some of these challenges together. I think this one on this list was just a freebie, it doesn't really give you a good thing to do. So here is one I suggest, look at yourself in the mirror each day and say something good about what you see. 
27. Do something that scares you every day. Who would want to do that?
28. Don't complain for an entire day. To all those ratchet people, this is for you!
29. Meditate each day. This is very good, doing yoga and playing a sport is very good for you physical health. I think I might do badminton. 
30. And the final one is to do a selfless act for a stranger or anyone. Be nice, help that person for a day, do something to show them you care. Just try it. 

Well that is it for today, but I hope to hear good things. Hasta La Vista.

Journal Entries

Did I ever mention that I have a journal. Well I do and before you all go off calling it a diary, It's not! I just think that a person needs to write down what they feel. This journal keep me in tact and I write in it daily. I write about my home situation, my personal life and just other stuff. I think I am getting to a point in this blog where I feel I need to get Vulnerable. I mean isn't that what makes things interesting. So I will discuss in detail some of the private things of my life. They might seen embarrassing but it's my life. So here we go.

So in the journal basically I am describing my transitioning process. I have just moved up the street from my old neighborhood into a new house. This time I have my own room, which gives me the right to my own privacy. (Hallelujah, Thank the Lord!) Anyway, with the moving, it made everything for me busy because I had to make time for my mom while also trying to balance doing schoolwork. This caused me to lose focus with my own life, I was losing touch with my friends and getting very mad at my family. So I began to zone out. I was losing hope in myself, in my writing and I didn't want to talk about it with anyone, so I wrote it down. I have a therapist, but she doesn't help much. She just sits there and asks me how I feel about this and that. Since that never helped, I assumed the role of feeling like I wasn't a real person. I felt like a sociopath with no emotion, I guess that is why I am so good in Drama. I think it was easier to assume the identity of someone else's instead of your own because you can forget about your problems and your situation for a while.

My way of getting out of that funky mood was to take a break. So I went over my friends house. Her name is Tykiera. We went out to White Marsh to go see this really funny Rated R movie called That Awkward Moment. It was really funny and really awkward because we had to watch Zac Efron have sex with this girl while Tykiera's mom was there. It was suppose to just be me and her, but she didn't know it was Rated R so she was forced to stay. After that her mom left, me and Tykiera roamed the mall and bought a little bit of jewelry. I ate at Chick-Fil-A for the first time. They have really good chicken. After that we went home and the next day, we watched the superbowl. It was the Denver Broncos vs. the Seattle Seahawks. The Broncos won!

After that I went home back to my busy life. It rained when I left which is a sign of sadness and a sign that someone died somewhere (I'm a deep person). I got to school on the time for the first time because I was always late to my first period. I don't roam the halls or anything like that, it's just that I always am late catching the bus (But in the present, I am early to school). Anyway, on this particular day back to school, I got all my results from the midterm back. My best Midterm is a 94 from Spanish. I though my highest would be Drama since I did have a hundred in that class for 1st and 2nd quarter. I got a eighty-three on my midterm for Drama. I was devastated, I thought I would have done better on that, but of course, there was little mistakes! I found out I got a sixty six on my Algebra midterm and I have a D+ in Chemistry. The thing was that I really started not to care about it to much, because I knew that things would get better, or at least I hoped.

The next week was still a struggle. I began telling myself that I wasn't stressed so that my body wouldn't feel like it was. Moving into the new house and unpacking was postponed which left me to have to sleep in my mom's room for the time being. I kinda didn't like that because that meant me having to take  break from inner darkness which is watching porn. I don't watch it all the time, but on this week, I watched Dawson's Creek for about fifteen hours straight. I like to watch it because it gives me clarity. The show came out the year I was born so I think I was destined to relate to it. Anyway, watching this show was giving me clarity on who I want to be, not what others expect me to become. I was also getting this sense of why I always felt so alone. It's because I wanted someone there with me. Someone I could confide to in my time of struggle, someone who would hold me when I need them to. I just wanted someone there to talk to.

But now I feel that through all these journal entries I can reflect. I am not alone anymore, I can communicate with you guys.I Whether it is physically or technically, it's still a interaction. Anyway, this is the stuff that I usually write in my journal. I need to start writing in it like I did before, but I don't know anymore, it's just so much easier talking to you guys. But let me just write in it one more time before I decide to let it go. Tootles!

All of You Listen Close.

Today's post is serious. I wrote a poem at the end of last year that I have really been pushing to get noticed. It's called listen and I wrote it to define what I want from the world. It is mostly to tell the world how I feel and what I don't want vs. what I do. I hope you all like it. I also hope that it touches you as much as it touches me. I wish that you gain something from it and it will bring you clarity to something that has been troubling in your life.

Just Listen

Just listen

And listen to me good.

Hang on to every word I’m about to say.

Because I really mean it.

Don’t take it as a joke

But really understand what I feel.

So just listen.

Sometimes when you want to be yourself

And stand out from everyone else

It backfires.

You end up becoming them

The ones you don’t want to conform to.

And you don’t really realize this until

The Aftermath of it all.

I don’t want to be that way anymore.

I want to be taken seriously and not be afraid.

I want to be able to lead and know that

People can trust in me.

I don’t want to be laughed at anymore

Or looked upon for my appearance ways

I want to be what I was born to be: A Leader

I’m not a person who takes pride in always being silent.

I like to stand out and be different because

I’m not like everyone else.

I see the world differently in my eyes

Than people see in theirs.

I see a world of love, struggle, and of sometimes despair.

But all that can change if you just listen

If all of us help each other at what we do best

Then I promise we can all become

something unlike rest.

A place, a world, of individuals

Who don’t give up hope

And know that we can depend upon

Someone else when we are feeling apathetic

All you need to do is listen

Not just with your ears, but with

Your mind, with your heart, and with your soul.

Use your experience to guide for

Change in who you are and

what you do in this life. That will determine

The hope given to us in which we seek and ask.

So again I ask you to just listen

Listen to the words that I have written

Understand what I am asking from you.

Guidance, Perseverance,and Leadership.

And even if I don’t ever achieve what I wanted

Even if I don’t make it, I’ll always know that

I Tried. I Hoped. And I Listened.

Are You Listening?