Dear Charlie

I know I said I would only post on Wednesday, but I can't always commit to that rule. Rules were made to be broken. Anyway, I have a letter I want to share with someone, his name is charlie. This is to my friend who silence I felt needed to be answered. 

Dear Charlie, 
Since your last entry to me, I have never been able to recover. I can only wonder what has happened to you. Did you ever get together with Sam? Have you graduated from high school? Did your brother make it to the pros? This non communication hurts me to the fullest. I just want your response. But I will tell you how I have been lately. Recently I have been feeling alone because I don’t have a lot of friends to go to and hang out with. I have friends, just not close ones, like that I can tell secrets to. I don’t have ones that I can talk to like you talked to with me. I’m sorry it took me so long to respond and I hope you forgive me for waiting so long to respond. I guess I just got tired of sitting in this room feeling sick and depressed for not expressing myself for who I really am. And lately, I have been realizing things, great things, that will change my life. The first thing I have learned came from you, the part about actually “feeling things” and “participating” in life. I am learning that, because all my life I felt I was participating, but now I realized that I wasn’t. I realized that I only was pretending to. See, I didn’t actually feel things, and when I did feel things, I didn’t let it show because I thought that wasn’t the way I was suppose to act. Well now I am wiser and I really don’t care anymore, because they way I feel right now is a feeling I don’t ever want to feel again. So now I will begin to live life and feel the way I want to feel, fuck society and it’s standards, life is to short. The next thing I learned is to never give up on what I want to accomplish or be. I want to be a writer. I always feel that I am being ignored, and I feel that writing is the only way people will hear me. So becoming a writer is my solution to not being ignored. I also want to do something in the future involving technology. I like robotics, it is really fun and I get to meet new people and that is cool. Charlie, I don’t like feeling alone, I don’t like it at all. It is not fun and it makes me do stupid things like watch porn or hurt myself. I don’t want those things to ruin me. I just want to be listened to and understood. I want someone here with me, to talk to me, to listen, respond and love me. I want a special relationship where I won’t be judged, but I won’t be easily persuaded. I want a person there for me like Mary Elizabeth has like a person who debates with her on subjects, a relationship like brad and patricks that was mysterious and one like you and sam, one that is blooming. I want that in a person and I want them to make me feel not alone anymore. Why can’t I have that huh, why. I don’t know, but whenever you get the chance, please respond. I love you Charlie and I really miss you.

Feeling Alone

Do you ever feel alone sometimes? Does this feeling make you so stupid stuff?

Well I know I have.

I feel alone sometimes and I try to find ways to not make me feel that way. I try to do things that will keep me busy like playing video games, or watching netflix or going on social networks, and even doing arts and crafts. I try all these things, but they only last but so long, that feeling of isolation always comes back and there is nothing I can do to stop it from coming. 

Recently, I have stopped talking to my sister because she has been a pain in my ass and I am sorry if I sound as if she is always annoying because she is not, but when she is, it lasts long. Anyway, I have stopped talking to her and that leaves me to only interact with my mother at the moment. But most of the time, she isn't home, which brings me back to feeling alone. I hate this feeling of being alone because it brings out the worst in me. 

The feeling of not being able to talk to another person, to converse and get someone else's response, it just makes me feel ignored or not cared about. And lately as I have been thinking about a lot of stuff, I have come to the conclusion that maybe the problem is me. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I used to be this person that went somewhere without anyone having to ask her. I used to be this person who was so busy that she just didn't have time to stay and play with someone. What happened to me? For the life of me, I just can't understand what went wrong. 

Trying to figure out the answer to this problem has gotten so bad that I have considered taking medicine for it. Worrying myself to death has always been a problem of mine, and as I get older, it never ceases to get better, only worse. I am going to die before the age of thirty because of stress. Stress not only for my personal life, but for my social and academic life. I am just too tired of trying to get people's attention. If I don't have it now, what's to say I'll have it later. Like they say, If I don't have it now, It's not worth having anyway. 

I don't mean to sound so sad, because I'm not. I actually feel better. I realized that feeling alone can be bad, but it can also be good. Because as I am alone, I can sit here and think of all the bad in my life, and all the good, and everything stuck in between. I tell people everyday that their will to do what they believe in will determine their success. So why is it so hard for me to take my own advice. Maybe that's a start somewhere, or maybe not, but it is something I should think about. 

Thanks for reading and listening. I hope most of you have gotten something from this. I know it's not the most happiest or funniest or sarcastic post I ever published. But I am being truthful because this is how I have been feeling lately. I hope I am not alone and I hope that maybe one day it will change. 

Anger: My Rebirth

There comes a time in everyone's life where they get Angry. And I'm not talking about the soft kind of anger, I'm talking Devilish Anger. The kind where things get said that people really mean, where the truth comes out. That kind of Anger. Well, I've had my share of moments like those. For instance, My sister. She makes my blood boil and my skin shake. She can be so manipulative with the things she says and can cause you to give an reaction. I don't know what it is about her, but she is just evil.

We had an argument the other day and it was vital. We said some words that we meant and none of us will say sorry for. I don't want it to seem like I am proud, but I really don't feel that I need to say sorry. I don't want to say sorry because I felt that is what she deserved. It is time that I start expressing myself because I don't usually. I usually keep it bundled in until one day, I explode, but it is time to break old habits. It is time for me to say what I want to say.

I have learned that I live my life, not others. I must learn that It is okay to feel the way I feel. I must not always put others feelings before mine, because then, I wouldn't be living for me. I know now that it is okay to feel things and say what I mean. Whether it comes from pure honest or basic instinct. I can express what I feel. I am a human, I am suppose to feel mad, or sad, or angry. I have that basic right, and I have let others take that from me for so long that it is now hard for me to get it back. But now is the time that I try. I have to try and live for me, not for my mom, or for my sister, For Me. And with living for me, that means thinking for me and feeling for me. It is time that I come to experience and live life for the better.

So with this, I will take me and my anger and say what I want to say. Even if that means hurting someone's feelings. I am not perfect, and neither are they, it is time that I let them know that they aren't.

Writing About What Matters.

When I began writing, I never thought that it would impact my life as well as it has. I started writing creatively in elementary school. I started with the writing of my first poem called "Good and Bad". I'll post it at the end. But for now, I just want to touch the hearts to why writing is so important for you and for me and the world.

Writing to me has always been my way of explaining or telling things to other people. I write not because I have to but because I WANT to. And the fact of the matter is, I write like I talk. I write as if I am talking or having a conversation and I don't feel that it is wrong. Writing is something in my life that no one will ever change unless I decide to do it. My point to you is to write how you want to write. I mean Stephen Chbosky's character Charlie never had a problem with it. Why should you? Forget about what others think of you and how you write. If you are being yourself, and expressing yourself in a way that makes you comfortable, then so be it. Don't let others change your life because of the simple fact that they do not have the power to do so. It is you. I may not be the most proficient person to write and have the perfect grammar, but I'm just writing what I feel. I writing because I have something to say. A voice that I feel SHOULD NOT BE IGNORED, but rather LISTENED TO. I want others to see from my point of view what the world is like in order to make some kind of clarity in other people's lives somewhere. I not saying it will happen overnight, but it will make a change somewhere, in someone's life, who just so happened to be feeling the same way.

With my situation, I have always felt as though I need to care about what others think because they determine what I become in the long run. But the thing is, none of that statement is true. I determine what I become in the long run. Not my mother, not my teachers, not my friend, ME! And the problem was that I felt that it had to be that way, all the time. I had to care about what other people say because they have to like what I say to get support and all that baloney. I felt that I had to be ass-kisser basically. But what I have come to realize is that I am not a ass-kisser. I am a leader and a good one at that. My problem needs a solution and the only way I know how to find one is by reading, writing and finding clarity through wisdom. And that is exactly what I am doing with an old book I love very much that helps me to find clarity. The book is called The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. Have you ever read it. If you haven't you should and if you have, lucky you!

Anyway, what I got from this book is that it is okay to feel things. The main problem in life is that we feel we need to satisfy others and so we neglect our own opinion and feelings. We do whatever it takes to make someone else happy and they you have to suffer all the grief and anxiety worrying about others and how they will react to you and what you are doing. But the things I realized is that I HAVE FEELING TOO GOD DAMMIT! WHEN CAN I LIVE MY LIFE? I have been so worried about taking care of others, worry about how this person will react if I do this or what will happen if I do that so much that I have failed to live my own life. Where is my time of freedom, stupidity, time of being a dump careless teenagers. When did the time come where I became a adult in high school? Can you tell me cause I seriously can't remember the last time I did something for me. And I think that is why I write, because I think that it is the only thing that really belongs to me and is for me. I feel that I write because I want to, not for others. That has always been the problem.

I have been doing things for others my entire life, For example, when I joined Robotics club. I did that because I heard going into STEM careers could earn you some serious money. So I hoped on the opportunity. I did that because I want to know that I can be successful in the future. I want to know that I will have enough money to support me and my mother and also be able to pay my bills. And that is when I began doing things for others. I was living for my mom, trying to support her, but I don't live in the future yet, nor should I be worrying about something I cannot control. In the end though, I turned out to actually like robotics and I will consider it for a college major along with Drama, Film, Creative Writing, and Cultural Mythology. I know it is a lot but it is worth it.

But going back to Stephen Chboksy, the thing I most importantly learned from his is to express yourself. Say how you feel, write it out to a anonymous person or participate in life and be interactive with others. The purpose of writing is that simple fact of EXPRESSION. If not for yourself, do it for the others who can't put what they feel into words. Talk and write for those who don't know what the problem in the world is. Express how the world makes you feel and your struggle or strength of living in this society. That is what it means to Write About What Matters!

Today Will Haunt Me For The Rest Of My Life

I know that today is not Wednesday, but I just need to get this out and out it somewhere. Today I something so ridiculous and violent that it made me want to scream and cry of fury. This girl at my school got physically abused and jumped by a group or click of kids from another school. Now I knew this girl, I would sometimes call her my daughter, but anyway, she got jumped. Now the way it started was when these group of kids came back from the previous journey they had come for after chasing someone. Well on their way back to wherever they were going, they decided to start messing with some of my school's peers. They just wanted to start trouble.

So this leader or this loud ass guy in the group starting stuff with people begins to talk to this girl I knew. He was insulting her and all kinds of things. I wasn't really listening but all of a sudden, I hear him call for someone and then I see a girl and another girl coming towards me. She jumps on the back of the bench and then she jumps on the girl and starts fighting her. Then the group of boys just start helping her. They were tugging her and then afterwards, they walked away and left her on the ground. They took her phone and began walking down the hill like they were proud of what they did. But like two of the guys from the group were hanging back. So the girl gets up off the ground and goes over to her friend to ask if she could use her phone to look at herself to see if she is bleeding or anything. So she looks at herself and sees that she is not, but she sees bruises about to appear.

Then she is about to use the phone she got from her friend to call the police. But the guys lingering back call back to the group and tell them that her friend is trying to call the cops. So the group looks back to the lingering guys to finish the job. The guys lingering are still there. The friend and the girl then are about to cross the street when the guys lingering snatch the friends phone and join the group back that is walking down the hill. The girls then start heading to go back up the hill to the school to report the incident. Then the late ass police show up and the kids began to leave. Everyone who witnessed it gets on the bus and stays silent.

But not me. When I get on te bus, my uncle is the bus driver so I began to tell him what happened. My body is in grave shock so it's still shaking from the incident. I vent out my emotions of fury and hurt but also guilt. I feel fury and anger because first of all, these kids are bullies and picking on someone who is younger than them. This girl is a freshman. That is so wrong that that happened to her. I was mad at the fact that they were starting stuff with random people. Everybody was minding their own business until they showed up fucking with people. Ugh, that just makes me mad. It shows how kids just have so much time on their hands that they do dumb stuff to get attention. I was hurt because I felt bad for the girl who didn't deserve none of that. She was just chilling, laughing with her friends and just so happen to get into a situation she had no idea was coming. And that is where guilt comes in. Guilt for not helping or trying to defend and stand up for that girl. I know that if I did, I would have probably gotten beaten up, but it is the thought that counts, I can't stress that enough. I feel bad because as much as I wanted to help, I couldn't because I felt so helpless and defenseless. I don't even know if I would have the stability to defend myself, let alone defend another physically.

All I know is that the whole situation that occur really opened my eyes to the many dangers that happen daily. Someone gets hurt or robbed or even worse killed and there is nothing they can do about it. The situation is out of your control. All we can do is pray or hope. Pray that things get better and that that girl isn't hurt and that she will be okay. Pray for those who committed the action for they need guidance and a soul to feel guilt and regret. And hope that things will improve and that people will change. Hope that one day those bastards will get what they deserve. Just hope that you or anyone you love is ever put in that kind of situation. That is all you can do!

This event will playback in my brain for many years. It has made me well aware of my settings and how I need to be able to defend myself when the time comes. I need to find some reassurance that things will get better. I need to know that this event won't kill me by stress and anxiety, but in turn make me stronger. I only hope and pray so.

Mental Instability

This week has been so nerve wrecking. This Monday, I had a mental breakdown, which basically means I had a stress overload where I took on more than I could handle and it just stressed my body to the point of mental instability. I recently a couple of weeks ago began doing Badminton. I tried out to because I wanted to become active again because I haven't been since Soccer and that was like last fall. Anyway, I joined this sport thinking it wouldn't be so much time consuming, BUT I WAS WRONG! Badminton is actually time consuming. Practice is everyday after school. I was like "Omg, What the hell did I just do?"

I knew that I had gone too far, so I tried to get out of it before it started. So that week, I went down to coaches office and I tried to tell him that I could play Badminton anymore. But this girl on the team as I told her my situation told me that the reason for leaving wasn't a good enough excuse. This made me feel like an asshole because she went on about her doing IB and still doing a sport. So me of course said , "If she can do it, Why can't I? So I stayed on the team and kept going to practice. Then more stuff started to occur, more events were demanding. I had to after school clubs, I had homework and then I had service learning hours plus YAR to think about. I already had a full plate and adding Badminton to it was just too much for my tummy. 

So Monday, as I was on my way to school, this feeling of stress just sat with me. On my shoulders, there was so much weight that my body couldn't uptake. I felt like I was going to faint. So as soon as we got to the school, I got off the #22 bus and walked up the hill very slowly. It was about 10 minutes late to class and that was the last thing on my mind. My hands began to shake and my body grew weak, except for my eyes. My eyes were small, and I could hardly see. I felt like I had asian eyes because I had to squint to see and that really strained my eyes. So as I entered the building, I went straight to guidance, not first period but to Ms. Anderson in guidance. Someone was in her room, but of course as usual, the person was babbling about something. I waited until the person left to go in. As I sat there, My eyes began to run like rivers flow. The wouldn't stop.

I could feel myself resisting the tears from falling, but part of me just wanted to let them do because that was the only way that stress was going to come out. So I sat there and told her why I was so stressed. I was stressed about school, about my family and about my future. I was stressed on the many things I should not even be thinking about right now. I was stressed about how I was going to be committed to all these things and not be a unreliable person. I was stressed on what college major I was going to take and how I was going to pay for college so I could take care of my mom in the future. I was stressed about getting a job so I could help my mom with the bills. All this stuff was weight on my shoulders and the last thing I realized was that none of that stuff benefited me at all. Nothing, not one single thing. The reliability was for others, the money for others, the support for others. I had realized I wasn't living my life, OTHERS WERE!

I needed to find some support and guidance in myself. I needed to hear something, to figure out or get some clarity on what to do in this situation. So I asked people, I go other people's opinions and this is what I got:

1. Sometimes you have to be selfish. You have to say no sometimes and think about you because if you don't, you will over commit and that will put me in the situation I am in now.
2. Think about one goal at a time. The goal I should be focusing on now is to gradutate high school. Not paying bills, or worrying about how others think of me, I should focused on what I want to be and try to achieve getting to the next level. 
3. Don't explain yourself to people. If you have your reasons for something and someone tells you that the reason is not good enough, walk the hell away and don't respond. They are not you. They don't have to live your life or feel what you feel. They don't walk in your shoes. Your reasons are just as important and good enough because they are yours, not that other critical person. 
4. If you don't care about it that much, it probably isn't worth your time!
5. This brings me to my final point which is the clarity I have gotten from others. Saying and Doing are two very different things. You can tell a person to stop worrying. But the action is what really counts and it is not that easy to do, especially for me.

 I can't just let something go because I feel that I should be committed to it once I begin it. If I let it go, I will feel like I am not a reliable person and that others will tell that to important people when it is time for me to go places. I don't want others to think of me that way, that is why I feel I have to do everything, cease every opportunity that comes my way because I feel that if I don't grasp it, I'll never have it and then that will cause me to resent others for it. I don't want that to happen. I love people and care too much for that to happen. I just want to know that others support me and encourage me to be all that I can be. I need to know and hear people tell me that I am a reliable person and that I am a dedicated person. I just don't want to feel bad about this anymore. I want to be happy again. 

So for the rest of this week, I will continue to use the luck of the Irish that is being given to me by God. I haven't had anything hard come by me yet, but maybe its slowly coming. Hopefully, I'll be back to normal soon. Goodbye, never mind, I hate goodbyes, talk to you later!

My Research Analysis

Achieving The Goal

Make sure to address the following:

1. Evaluation the outcome of your project against your own criteria for success that you determined at the beginning of this process.  Were you successful or not?  Be specific about why or why not.

2. Did your criteria for success change at any time during this process? Be specific about why or why not.

My outcome for this project was has been totally against the success I planned when I started. I couldn't decide what I actually wanted to do for this project and I changed my topic several time. In the beginning, I had planned to make three products, one of a musical piece, one creative piece, and one visual piece. I had thought it would be so easy, but it became difficult after a while. Then I actually went and read what the personal project should be about, so I switched my project to creative writing. Ever since, it has been so easy for me.

I think now that I am somewhat successful in my personal project because I feel I am close to accomplishing it. The way it is set up is that all my work and product is in a blog. The only thing I would feel I need to improve on is the views for the website. I need that the most because that will help to spread the vulnerability I am giving away for people to see. But being successful wise, I think I am doing very well. My topics relate to my research paper and sometimes they don’t. But I always try to make sure that they do.

My criteria for this project as I said before changed many times. It changed from me wanting to photography, to going to the creative arts, and then lastly changing to creative writing. My sources needed to be changed, my note cards had to be changed. But it was all worth it. I had to go and find new information about the new topic. I used some books, songs, and poetry as sources and I used some blogs as sources. I think my project is finally on the criteria I see it for in finishing in the end.

I think that I still have much to do. I still have to finish on the improvements of the blog and I have to get more people interacting with the blog. I need a hook to grab people’s attention. I think that is my only challenge in criteria now, which is what will get my peers interested. I think once I get them interested, I can get them to see how I manage my life as a struggling teen who hate judgement and wants people to be who they are despite what others think or tell them. I want my project to be great. Hopefully it will.

The Personal Project

Hello Readers, It is time for more explanation of my expression. The personal project I am a doing plays a major role in this blog. It is the reason I created it.

The Personal Project is this reflection of what I have been learning in school for the middle years of high school. For this project, I must express something related to the elements of the areas of interaction. The areas of interaction include:

• Approaches to Learning
• Health and Social Education
• Environments
• Community and Service
• Human Ingenuity

Anyway, I had to do a product for this project, which is this blog, that I will continue after the project ends of course. But for now, I want to help influence my peers on all of the ways they can have fin as teenagers and express themselves by not being judged, but instead listened to and appreciated for it. Blogging Creative Writing is my answer.

My Research paper is to be composed of many musicians, poets and authors.

1. For Musicians, I will use:
• Rise Against - Make It Stop
• Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are
• N.W.A. - Express Yourself
2. For Poets, I will use: 
• Lloyd Schwartz - To My Oldest Friend, Whose Silence is like Death
• Prageeta Sharma - Legacy
• Anna Waldman - Allegorical Baraka 
3. And For Authors
• Stephen Chbosky - The Perks of Being A Wallflower
• J.D. Salinger - The Catcher in the Rye
• Ray Bradbury - Fahrenheit 4451

This should be interesting right?