To Moving On....

So for this blog, I presented my personal project last Friday. And my grade for it was an 87. So I think I did rather well. My effort to it was good, but I think I could have done better. But now that I got that over with, I am so happy to be free of thinking straight. Right now I feel that things have changed and that I have become full awakened.

The change took place after I wrote down how I was feeling. As I reflected upon what I was stressing about, I told myself to chill out and to relax. People were telling me to stop worrying about things out of my control and for the first time, I had listened. I felt that I wasn't worrying about college, or how I was going to take care of my mom in this future. I don't know what the future is going to be like, but I pray that I can reside myself in it and live happily.

So now, I feel happy and I am not stressed out about anything. I do things calmly, not worrying and over thinking things. I am just living in the moment, which is something I haven't been doing in a while. But now I am, and it feels good. I feel like a free bird that finally took a leap of faith and learned to fly.

Last weekend, I was volunteering for the Maryland Film Festival and I seen a lot of movies and met a lot of nice people. I felt like an adult and they treated me like one. I felt so free and independent and it felt really good. I got to see three movies, that were really really good. It made me feel like I belonged where I was. What I was seeing on the screen was like what I though everyday in my mind. And it was weird just seen my everyday thoughts on the screen, but it also felt really comfortable. I got to meet some of the filmmakers and I got some of their business cards. Definitely going to think about screen writing as a career.

Summer is almost here, School is almost out of session and I can't wait for it to all be over. This summer is going to be exciting, I can feel it! Hope the same goes for you, express with you next week! Tootles.

Treatment Diagnosis: MDD

So it is true. I have been diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder. I never truly knew what was wrong with me. All I really knew was that something was wrong.



The panic attacks are becoming daily know. I have been trying my best not to freak out at the fact that everything is fine. It doesn't feel like it is fine. It just feels like something is about to go tremendously wrong.

I have to give my therapists reports of when I have these attacks so that is fun. I also have been being sorta antisocial. I have been avoiding my friends, and sometimes my family. My diet has changed, meaning I don't have a appetite for anything anymore, except for lots of hot tamales and peanut chews.

I know I am being honest about my life, but I feel that I am being straightforward with you, because I want you to know my struggle and how I deal with myself and how it influences my writing.

When I talked to my therapist yesterday, she told me that I should really start writing those ideas I have into short stories and I think I will. I would have posted them, but I also have trust issues!

For any of you struggling with depression, anxiety, or any mental disability for that matter, I just want you to know that one day it will get better. The next day will be better than the last, and it takes time to get back to feeling normal. Lord knows I have a way to go, but I'm trying none the least. I'm trying to inform others and give them the opportunity to give input for me.

I was reading this book the other day called "Thirteen Reasons Why". It is really good so far, and one quote that I remember from it that I liked is, "In the End, Everything Matters.". It made me think a lot about the people who influenced who I am today, in some good ways and bad ones. I just want to say thanks for all you do. You didn't have to meet me or ever talk to me, but somehow we did and I really appreciate ever knowing you and what I gained from you.

In conclusion, I now feel that I hold no regrets and neither should you. Cause life is not about "what if?", it's about what you do now! It is about the relationships you make with people and others. It doesn't matter how you make those connection, it just matters that you!

And with this day forward, I have started writing a book called daydreams. This book will capture all the day dreams I have had in the present and in the future. I am starting this because I feel that it can help me to distinguish what really happened and what didn't in my life. I think I need that because I can't really remember my past that much. It's not there, it's all a blur. But today is about the future, not the past, so I am building something that in the future can make a lifetime. Hope you can do the same.

Just always remember when you write, write with a purpose, it doesn't even have to be to someone, just write what you feel and God will guide you. And if you are not religious, then whatever floats you boat will drift you ashore, when you least expect it, but also when you need it the most.

I've Been Doing Some Thinking

Lately, I have been doing some thinking that involves me being anti-social. I have decided to distant myself away from others when it comes to expressing how I feel about my diagnoses. I don't want people to know what is going on with me right now because I am not ready for a whole lot of questions and a whole lot of pity for the depressed. I just want to lurk in the shadows and read my books and keep to myself.

I have been reading a whole lot and I am gaining knew knowledge that helps to me revise some of my creative writings. Remember that poem "How Some People Are", well I have been doing lots of revisions on that, dealing with syntax. If you don't know what syntax is, it is by Google definition: the arrangement of words and phrases to create well-formed sentences in a language. The way I arrange my words is always the same, but this time I am trying to make my sentences shorter but also long, but with a pattern. I am also trying to better my shifts and transitions from one stanza to the next.

See the thing about poetry I like the most is that it is rhythmic and it just falls off the tongue. It is your way of telling a story or expressing an idea. It is poetic and very intimate between the reader and the speaker. That relationship must be maintained because if it isn't, it could throw your audience off of the perspective you want them to see. You must be clear with your audience as I said before, but you must also give them a deeper/broader meaning to what you are saying, because poetry must have purpose because words have purpose.

I have been some revising on my poem "How Some People Are", this is what I got so far:

Some people are bullies

They manipulate people in sight

They love to call people rude names

They only do it to start fights

Have  you heard of Tyler Perry's movies

With the famous Madea of might

Well their favorite is to call Tyler Perry

A homosexual or a transvestite 

See their parents like to drink

Their favorites are beer and wine

But when the glass of liquor spills

Police come over to investigate the abusive crime

My mom would kill for E &J

With the right amount of liquor and the right amount of ice

It's the best time to ask her questions

She'll be nice at ease and concise. 

See it's all about the breakfast club 

The kids with parent issues

The ones that realized no difference lay

in the personalities they'd once labeled and misused

I'm a victim to some of those problems

Like being ignored or not telling the truth

But most of my problems are within myself

Things I shouldn't be worrying about in my fountain of youth

Just like in the perks of being a wallflower

When those memories from the past

Come to haunt you in your vision 

And cause the happiness in your life not to last

See in this life it's hard to trust, 

And also have belief

Because it means you have to lose something

And not all of us can cope with that much grief.

Cause losing someone really hurts

It breaks your heart deep inside

It shatters your perspective of everything 

In which happiness is denied

That's why people are the way they are

They experience something not too great

And it changes them for better or worse

In a lifetime where conflict never inflates

So we can't blame bullies for being tyrants

Nor blame a wallflower for being so shy

Fot that is how some people are in this world

Because bliss is hard to come by

But sure enough, once in a while 

That pain in the heart infinitely soars 

To give you back the life you lost 

So that happiness can be restored. 

Is it better or not. Please let me know which one you like better. 

Email me at rejjiacamphor43@aol.com

You Say Tomato, I say Tomatoe!

When you write about what you want to, you can portray anything you want from any perspective. I like to make my perspectives come from others and mine mixed together. I know it sounds complicated, but it isn't. It actually makes you question how things are perceived. Anyway, the point I am trying to get at is that, when you write, you should write and say things the way you feel they should be looked at. I do that in my poems. For example, here is my poem "The Devil's Blue Kiss".

It’s never nice, especially on a good 
day, Where it loves and would,
Tell of your secrets as if you were,
Playing a game of taboo. 

 It loves tricks, no treats
With a smile of tender deceit, 
And fists that pound your heart
Into crystallized rocks made of fire. 

 It blows like the water of the dam
With pressure as to beat hydraulic ram
And it’s manipulation give you the feel
Of something tickling your mind

 And then shouted out in prayer
It says, I’m here to cause pain and affair
In meas to destroy and then wheeze
With a thruster of Destruction

 And to ones extent can any intrude
To stop my wrath, my dress of dark blued
Lace, With painted sadness and torture
Just like the kiss of Klimt

 But to one desire may one cause
A pain so great that made laws of
Fury, that ended that blue dress and
Made one of flower and hope painted white

See the way that I used the color blue would probably be different in someone else's perception. Some would think of blue as in terms of the sky or of water and that its mood is tenderness. But to me, I see blue as sadness and deceitfulness. The way people portray things are so much different, but the meaning being given it the same. The most important thing I would say is in writing is purpose and figurative language. It makes everything more easier and emphasized so that you may get that feeling of what the poet it talking about.

All I am trying to say is that writing can come from many perspectives and whoever you choose to make it come from is up to you. Just make sure that you do enough to get your point across, but also make sure that your reader understands. And it might not be the interpretation you were looking for, but at least they found a way to gain knowledge or clarity from it.

Dear Charlie

I know I said I would only post on Wednesday, but I can't always commit to that rule. Rules were made to be broken. Anyway, I have a letter I want to share with someone, his name is charlie. This is to my friend who silence I felt needed to be answered. 

Dear Charlie, 
Since your last entry to me, I have never been able to recover. I can only wonder what has happened to you. Did you ever get together with Sam? Have you graduated from high school? Did your brother make it to the pros? This non communication hurts me to the fullest. I just want your response. But I will tell you how I have been lately. Recently I have been feeling alone because I don’t have a lot of friends to go to and hang out with. I have friends, just not close ones, like that I can tell secrets to. I don’t have ones that I can talk to like you talked to with me. I’m sorry it took me so long to respond and I hope you forgive me for waiting so long to respond. I guess I just got tired of sitting in this room feeling sick and depressed for not expressing myself for who I really am. And lately, I have been realizing things, great things, that will change my life. The first thing I have learned came from you, the part about actually “feeling things” and “participating” in life. I am learning that, because all my life I felt I was participating, but now I realized that I wasn’t. I realized that I only was pretending to. See, I didn’t actually feel things, and when I did feel things, I didn’t let it show because I thought that wasn’t the way I was suppose to act. Well now I am wiser and I really don’t care anymore, because they way I feel right now is a feeling I don’t ever want to feel again. So now I will begin to live life and feel the way I want to feel, fuck society and it’s standards, life is to short. The next thing I learned is to never give up on what I want to accomplish or be. I want to be a writer. I always feel that I am being ignored, and I feel that writing is the only way people will hear me. So becoming a writer is my solution to not being ignored. I also want to do something in the future involving technology. I like robotics, it is really fun and I get to meet new people and that is cool. Charlie, I don’t like feeling alone, I don’t like it at all. It is not fun and it makes me do stupid things like watch porn or hurt myself. I don’t want those things to ruin me. I just want to be listened to and understood. I want someone here with me, to talk to me, to listen, respond and love me. I want a special relationship where I won’t be judged, but I won’t be easily persuaded. I want a person there for me like Mary Elizabeth has like a person who debates with her on subjects, a relationship like brad and patricks that was mysterious and one like you and sam, one that is blooming. I want that in a person and I want them to make me feel not alone anymore. Why can’t I have that huh, why. I don’t know, but whenever you get the chance, please respond. I love you Charlie and I really miss you.

Feeling Alone

Do you ever feel alone sometimes? Does this feeling make you so stupid stuff?

Well I know I have.

I feel alone sometimes and I try to find ways to not make me feel that way. I try to do things that will keep me busy like playing video games, or watching netflix or going on social networks, and even doing arts and crafts. I try all these things, but they only last but so long, that feeling of isolation always comes back and there is nothing I can do to stop it from coming. 

Recently, I have stopped talking to my sister because she has been a pain in my ass and I am sorry if I sound as if she is always annoying because she is not, but when she is, it lasts long. Anyway, I have stopped talking to her and that leaves me to only interact with my mother at the moment. But most of the time, she isn't home, which brings me back to feeling alone. I hate this feeling of being alone because it brings out the worst in me. 

The feeling of not being able to talk to another person, to converse and get someone else's response, it just makes me feel ignored or not cared about. And lately as I have been thinking about a lot of stuff, I have come to the conclusion that maybe the problem is me. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I used to be this person that went somewhere without anyone having to ask her. I used to be this person who was so busy that she just didn't have time to stay and play with someone. What happened to me? For the life of me, I just can't understand what went wrong. 

Trying to figure out the answer to this problem has gotten so bad that I have considered taking medicine for it. Worrying myself to death has always been a problem of mine, and as I get older, it never ceases to get better, only worse. I am going to die before the age of thirty because of stress. Stress not only for my personal life, but for my social and academic life. I am just too tired of trying to get people's attention. If I don't have it now, what's to say I'll have it later. Like they say, If I don't have it now, It's not worth having anyway. 

I don't mean to sound so sad, because I'm not. I actually feel better. I realized that feeling alone can be bad, but it can also be good. Because as I am alone, I can sit here and think of all the bad in my life, and all the good, and everything stuck in between. I tell people everyday that their will to do what they believe in will determine their success. So why is it so hard for me to take my own advice. Maybe that's a start somewhere, or maybe not, but it is something I should think about. 

Thanks for reading and listening. I hope most of you have gotten something from this. I know it's not the most happiest or funniest or sarcastic post I ever published. But I am being truthful because this is how I have been feeling lately. I hope I am not alone and I hope that maybe one day it will change. 

Anger: My Rebirth

There comes a time in everyone's life where they get Angry. And I'm not talking about the soft kind of anger, I'm talking Devilish Anger. The kind where things get said that people really mean, where the truth comes out. That kind of Anger. Well, I've had my share of moments like those. For instance, My sister. She makes my blood boil and my skin shake. She can be so manipulative with the things she says and can cause you to give an reaction. I don't know what it is about her, but she is just evil.

We had an argument the other day and it was vital. We said some words that we meant and none of us will say sorry for. I don't want it to seem like I am proud, but I really don't feel that I need to say sorry. I don't want to say sorry because I felt that is what she deserved. It is time that I start expressing myself because I don't usually. I usually keep it bundled in until one day, I explode, but it is time to break old habits. It is time for me to say what I want to say.

I have learned that I live my life, not others. I must learn that It is okay to feel the way I feel. I must not always put others feelings before mine, because then, I wouldn't be living for me. I know now that it is okay to feel things and say what I mean. Whether it comes from pure honest or basic instinct. I can express what I feel. I am a human, I am suppose to feel mad, or sad, or angry. I have that basic right, and I have let others take that from me for so long that it is now hard for me to get it back. But now is the time that I try. I have to try and live for me, not for my mom, or for my sister, For Me. And with living for me, that means thinking for me and feeling for me. It is time that I come to experience and live life for the better.

So with this, I will take me and my anger and say what I want to say. Even if that means hurting someone's feelings. I am not perfect, and neither are they, it is time that I let them know that they aren't.

Writing About What Matters.

When I began writing, I never thought that it would impact my life as well as it has. I started writing creatively in elementary school. I started with the writing of my first poem called "Good and Bad". I'll post it at the end. But for now, I just want to touch the hearts to why writing is so important for you and for me and the world.

Writing to me has always been my way of explaining or telling things to other people. I write not because I have to but because I WANT to. And the fact of the matter is, I write like I talk. I write as if I am talking or having a conversation and I don't feel that it is wrong. Writing is something in my life that no one will ever change unless I decide to do it. My point to you is to write how you want to write. I mean Stephen Chbosky's character Charlie never had a problem with it. Why should you? Forget about what others think of you and how you write. If you are being yourself, and expressing yourself in a way that makes you comfortable, then so be it. Don't let others change your life because of the simple fact that they do not have the power to do so. It is you. I may not be the most proficient person to write and have the perfect grammar, but I'm just writing what I feel. I writing because I have something to say. A voice that I feel SHOULD NOT BE IGNORED, but rather LISTENED TO. I want others to see from my point of view what the world is like in order to make some kind of clarity in other people's lives somewhere. I not saying it will happen overnight, but it will make a change somewhere, in someone's life, who just so happened to be feeling the same way.

With my situation, I have always felt as though I need to care about what others think because they determine what I become in the long run. But the thing is, none of that statement is true. I determine what I become in the long run. Not my mother, not my teachers, not my friend, ME! And the problem was that I felt that it had to be that way, all the time. I had to care about what other people say because they have to like what I say to get support and all that baloney. I felt that I had to be ass-kisser basically. But what I have come to realize is that I am not a ass-kisser. I am a leader and a good one at that. My problem needs a solution and the only way I know how to find one is by reading, writing and finding clarity through wisdom. And that is exactly what I am doing with an old book I love very much that helps me to find clarity. The book is called The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. Have you ever read it. If you haven't you should and if you have, lucky you!

Anyway, what I got from this book is that it is okay to feel things. The main problem in life is that we feel we need to satisfy others and so we neglect our own opinion and feelings. We do whatever it takes to make someone else happy and they you have to suffer all the grief and anxiety worrying about others and how they will react to you and what you are doing. But the things I realized is that I HAVE FEELING TOO GOD DAMMIT! WHEN CAN I LIVE MY LIFE? I have been so worried about taking care of others, worry about how this person will react if I do this or what will happen if I do that so much that I have failed to live my own life. Where is my time of freedom, stupidity, time of being a dump careless teenagers. When did the time come where I became a adult in high school? Can you tell me cause I seriously can't remember the last time I did something for me. And I think that is why I write, because I think that it is the only thing that really belongs to me and is for me. I feel that I write because I want to, not for others. That has always been the problem.

I have been doing things for others my entire life, For example, when I joined Robotics club. I did that because I heard going into STEM careers could earn you some serious money. So I hoped on the opportunity. I did that because I want to know that I can be successful in the future. I want to know that I will have enough money to support me and my mother and also be able to pay my bills. And that is when I began doing things for others. I was living for my mom, trying to support her, but I don't live in the future yet, nor should I be worrying about something I cannot control. In the end though, I turned out to actually like robotics and I will consider it for a college major along with Drama, Film, Creative Writing, and Cultural Mythology. I know it is a lot but it is worth it.

But going back to Stephen Chboksy, the thing I most importantly learned from his is to express yourself. Say how you feel, write it out to a anonymous person or participate in life and be interactive with others. The purpose of writing is that simple fact of EXPRESSION. If not for yourself, do it for the others who can't put what they feel into words. Talk and write for those who don't know what the problem in the world is. Express how the world makes you feel and your struggle or strength of living in this society. That is what it means to Write About What Matters!