I'm Here, But I'm Not Really Here!

Hello Readers & Occassional Passer Throughers,

This weeks post is not really a post. See, I am on a little vacation to a place called South Carolina. I am at Myrtle Beach. This is my first time at a beach and I am staying down here for the entire week. That means I won't be able to write this week's post. But technically, this will be filling in for it.

Lately, I have been feeling okay. I don't feel that much alone as I did before. Whenever I feel alone, I just remember the things I like to do and do that. For instance, one of the things I like to do when I am feeling alone is listening to music videos and writing quotes on postcards from the lyrics of the songs. It is actually quite fun and fustrating because you have to choose what line to write down. I try to stay away from the chorus, because if I decide to hang the lyrics on my wall, I want people to guess what song it is from! I know it sounds boring, but hey, none of us are awesome all the time! Well, except Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother!

Anyways, I try my best to cope with the feeling of loneliness. I know sometimes it doesn't seem like it, but it does get better. I just have to give it time! That is all we can really do. I know this blog may not seem to mean a whole lot to you, but it does to me. I don't care about how many people view this blog, or about what people think. All I care about is writing. I want to write to change the lives of others. Most of the time I have trouble just feeling emotions and remembering that it is okay to have them.

But writing is the one thing I know I can do in this life. I am determined to never let it stop. I will write, even when no one is reading. It will just be here until the time comes. And I know how fustrating being a writer can be, but I accept all the ups and downs of it. I accept the fustration of trying to go to sleep when all of a sudden an idea pops into my head which forces me to write it down because I know it will be the next big thing! I accept the fustration of writer's block because I love writing and nothing is ever easy. And when you live for the things you love, you life is truly complete because that is the thing that makes you feel most alive!

And just knowing that it will always be there keeps me going day after day, even when I am feeling alone!
So all in all, I say writing is the best thing that ever happened to me. Goodnight or Morning to you and I will write to you again soon!

I am a Writer!

There is no segway between being someone and wanting to be somebody. If you call yourself a writer, then you are a writer. But if you  want to be a writer someday, then you simble aren't, but you want to be. Sometimes it can be hard, facing facts that determine the way you live your life. I know, I've had my fair share of what I want and what I need and who I am.

I've had the dream of being a billionaire and trying everything possible to make it there. I have jumped from dream to dream, pondering over the life of success I know I can reach, but not with the path I'm going. The future, something no one knows about, is scary. It is scary no just for me, but for the rest of the world. See no one knows what is going to happen in the future, that's why the only thing we can do is prepare. But some say "How can you prepare for something you know nothing about?'. Well, just by simpling TRYING!

The future for me is something advanced. Something that will set the standard for all living things and there will really only be two kinds of people in that world. You will have the ones who care and the ones that don't. I don't know which one I'll be at the time, but I routing for the ones who don't care. See I know what I want to be. I know what I have to do to be it. But sometimes actually doing what I need to do to get there is the struggle.

You should all know my passion by now, but if you don't, it is to write. I want to be a famous writer, and sometimes just knowing that scares me. It scares me because the society we live in today, many people don't like to read. Most of them are so fixated on social media and that just makes me so afraid for books in the future. It makes me question the essense of words and people's knowledge to understand the meaning of them.

I don't doubt the fact that I know what I am. I know I am a writer because that is all I really do. But my faith in society is shaking, because everything just seem so bad right now, especially with today's youth. It is simpl ridiculous! The world is becoming something I feel is dangerous and I'm just no certain if books and writers will matter in the future.

As much as this scares me, my mind still ponders on the reality, the one where I believe I can make a difference. Trying is someone I know I will always have the ability to do, even when I feel the lowest. So even if the world does turn out to be the worst place to live on in the future, I will try my best to make the world a better place even if it kills me. I will write for the ones that don't care. I wll be the person I have longed to be, not just for the sake of others, but for the sake of myself also.

Being a writer means so much more than what it looks like. Of course, writers write, but we also innovate, we embrace and we bring meaning to what it is to Live Life. I need to focus my energy on what the important of writing is to me. It is not about making sales or money, or gettin recognintion. It is about making something matter. I want to change to lives of others, change the way people think, for the greater good. And that is all that really matters!

It Is The End Of 10th Grade For Me!

So today was the last day of school for my tenth grade year. I am happy and I feel that things have changed. Last year, I didn't feel that way as much as I do now.

This is how teachers feel:

This is how everyone else feels: 

But this is how I feel:

Yesterday something inside me turn off. Something that actually made me become aware of the situation I am living in. All this time I never knew what was wrong with me until now! I found my root. I found the reason why I am not functioning like I want to. It is because of my family. They bickering and the arguing all makes me not express how I feel. I have to always worry about what not to say to my sister so that she won't get offended and go all agitated on me. She holds me back from being who I truly am because I always have to limit myself to her so that I don't cause a reaction from her. That is why I don't talk that much around her.

But it is not just my sister either, it's my mom too. Sometimes my mom makes stupid decisions that impact and cause a reaction from my sister. My mom, I love her dearly, can be very talkative and too outgoing. She does things that we don't really agree with, and when my sister tries to change her, it doesn't work. That irritates my sister and my mother and that just makes their relationship more fucked up.

Which leads me to why I am so messed up. When they bicker and rant, I have to try and be the one to fix everything, because that is the only thing they allow me to do and that is what I feel I have to do. They put me in the middle and I don't like being in the middle. It is too much and that is why I worry so much. It adds on to the weight I am already carrying about my future and my past and the present. I am only fifteen and I have a unpaid full time job: worrying.

What makes matters worse it that I don't think my mom and my sister will ever get on terms where they can be happy. It is that bad. I feel there is no solution to the problem and that makes me mad and sad at the same time. This feeling is conflicting with my other emotions and how I should be feeling. I just finished my tenth grade of high school and I am now a junior. I should be happy about that, but I don't feel anything! I had to take three pills of my medicine, when I am only suppose to take one. My heart can't handle this much, it is eventually going to kill me!

I just want to have fun during the summer. I want to have fun, go to the beach, meet new people and earn some money, without having to worry about them. I am not being selfish, I just need a break! I don't want to leave it off like this so I am going to end on this: Have a happy summer and enjoy it until the next year round. I'll be happy soon, so don't worry. I love all of my readers and really appreciate you for your support.

AND THIS IS A VIDEO THAT ALWAYS CHEERS ME UP WHEN SAD! IT IS HILARIOUS!

Second Chances:The Paul Davis Story!

You know, the thing I most admire in life is second chances. It is giving someone the hope, the trust, and the privilege of trying to make a wrong a right, and in some cases and mistake that wasn't intentional. I admire second chances because giving someone that ability really scares me, because I have trust issues. I don't feel that people can change, I feel that they are themselves and to change is not possible. You will always go back to who you really are, it is inevitable.

There are some people in this world that try to force change upon others when really there is no change needed. Maybe that person is just fine the way they are, and their the ones with the problem. And when it's not their way, it's the highway, another door slammed in the face. And now that person loses a job because they didn't live up to your standard of living, Wow, some life you have!

Today I found out that A Great Teacher of mine is being let go because of some stupid rule about being late too many times. Evidently, as a teacher, you have a limit to how many times you can be late, which is at least 5 times. My favorite teacher, who is traveling all the way from the county to teach us lovely city kids, went over the limit with about four more than wanted. And for that stupid rule, he will not be returning to city college, for about a couple years when he can reapply again to work at city.

Some of you may say, well since he can reapply again, what's the big deal. Well this is the big deal, he should n't have to apply again because he got fired because of the stupidest rule on the planet. This man, this teacher, who I very much enjoy learning from was fired: (1) Not because he didn't teach his class because some teachers don't, but in fact he did and very well, (2): Not because the students were failing his class, which thousands of students are in other teachers classes, but not his as far as I checked and (3) Not because he cussed a student out because I know some teachers who have and they still have their jobs, but instead: BECAUSE HE DIDN'T DIE, AND TRY HARD ENOUGH TO GET TO HIS JOB, WHICH DOESN'T PAY THAT MUCH, FROM THE COUNTY SO THAT HE COULD TEACH HIS CITY STUDENTS WHO LOVE HIM VERY MUCH!.

Wow, the job of year goes to North Avenue, you really have the best reasons for firing people!

It is sad that this man, this teacher who has dedicated his life to teaching us kids, who sometimes are ungrateful, that drama is the world around us and it is how we discuss and observe it. It is said that educational system cannot recognize the great teachers and leaders of our world until it is the last minute. Mr. Davis, is more than just a teacher, he is friend, he is what the world rejects because they don't live up to the standards of what is needed. And maybe he never will, but I will gosh damn guarantee, he will die trying to do what's right for us kids, which is teach us that we are not failures. Teach us that we are more than what others see or what others think.

We have opinions, which do not get heard by Authority. But Mr. Davis teaches us through Drama, that performance is a way to be heard; A way that can make them listen. And right now North Avenue, they don't give a damn about us kids, just about what pays the bills. But as a start to expressing my opinions to North Avenue, I am petitioning to get my teacher's job back and I would love it if all of you would support us!

To sign the petition, go to: http://www.change.org/petitions/janet-t-johnson-give-baltimore-city-college-s-drama-teacher-paul-davis-his-job-back

You Say Faults In Our Stars, I Say Fears In Our Hearts!

As you can tell from the title, I have been reading the book The Faults in Our Stars by John Green. This book to me is really wonderful and extraordinary. When I had first heard of it, it took me into dream mode because the faults in our stars did come from the Shakespeare, who I sometimes often disagree with. But when I began reading this book, it made me appreciate the faults I have in my life, and how they are not as bad as others are out in the world. 

I learned to appreciate what the stars, I shall say, has given me. Further more, the book, as I am not finished reading yet, is rather humorous and youthful. You can sorta see how the love develops between the two cancer-sicken teenagers, who obviously don't let the faults in their stars run their lives. With Augusta's metaphor of taking a cigarette and putting it between his teeth, but not giving it the power to kill you is extremely admirable. It makes you want to smack yourself for all the things you let take control of your life, and find a new way of helping to not let it kill you!

But for Hazel, it is much more of fear. The fear of hurting Augusta and the fear of dying and possibly the fear of oblivion. When I read from her perspective, I get a sense of joy, but also a sense of her feeling guilty because she has cancer and that affects everything she does and lives for. As I continue reading, I feel that it has more to do with the fears in her heart than the faults in her stars! Even though her fault is cancer and she may feel that because she has it, she can't do many things, but most of that is fear more than it is about cancer. She has the fear in her heart to give Augusta her full heart, without hurting him because she is sick and because she is AFRAID to die. She feels sad and guilty about having cancer because it makes her dad cry a lot! 

Her only sense of knowledge comes from a book she reads called An Imperial Affliction which her curiosity brings her to wonder about life after death, not spiritually, but life wise.

Reading this book is eye opening. It makes me wonder about the things I fear and the things I do in this life. For example, one of Augusta's fears in the book is Oblivion. Well I also fear Oblivion because the though of being forgotten just scares the hell out of me. But it is good that it does, because now that gives me a reason to do something that will make me remembered, It will force me to do greater things and do what I was purposely out on this earth to do. Even if I am still unsure of what that is, I think I have a idea in mind. 

If you haven't read this book, you should, It may do wonders for your life in ways you may have never thought. I'm going to finish reading now, till next time, chou!

 

Get Some Comedy In Your Life!

Okay, so one of the things I love about myself and this world is the humor. The amount of people in this society that just carries itself with humor and sarcasm that brings joy to others face. I just love it so much.
One of the things I like to watch that makes me laugh is Vines. My favorite is the one with shaq and the cat as they have a wiggle battle. (See gif below)

I just want others to know to put some humor in your life. Don't take life so serious all the time, because if you do, and work and work and work to get to where you are, you won't know how to enjoy the life you have. You must enjoy life and have a balance. It is the only way to live. I know that from experience because I was that person that worked and worked and worked and worked and never had fun. So when it came time for me to relax and chill out, I didn't know how to because it wasn't a norm for me. And so I kept telling everyone I didn't know how to relax and they would look at me like I was crazy.

So my mom set me a psychiatrist appointment and we went and he told me to have a balance in life between work and fun (my psychiatrist gives some really good advice). So that is what I am doing. I am having fun. But having fun doesn't mean having to go buck wild and forget about everything I have worked hard for. It means have fun while working, you know, make the best of the situations we get ourselves into. So just give it a try.

Right now things in my life seem fine. And I don't know how long it's going to last. But I'm not going to sit here and worry about how long. I just going to live in the moment, which is something I haven't done in a long time. So I am going with the flow, accepting and confronting the challenges that come my way. I know that I may face many in the future, but its make or break me and I choose the outcome for myself.
And So Do You!

So just for fun, I am giving you a bunch of these crazy hilarious weird gifs:

To Moving On....

So for this blog, I presented my personal project last Friday. And my grade for it was an 87. So I think I did rather well. My effort to it was good, but I think I could have done better. But now that I got that over with, I am so happy to be free of thinking straight. Right now I feel that things have changed and that I have become full awakened.

The change took place after I wrote down how I was feeling. As I reflected upon what I was stressing about, I told myself to chill out and to relax. People were telling me to stop worrying about things out of my control and for the first time, I had listened. I felt that I wasn't worrying about college, or how I was going to take care of my mom in this future. I don't know what the future is going to be like, but I pray that I can reside myself in it and live happily.

So now, I feel happy and I am not stressed out about anything. I do things calmly, not worrying and over thinking things. I am just living in the moment, which is something I haven't been doing in a while. But now I am, and it feels good. I feel like a free bird that finally took a leap of faith and learned to fly.

Last weekend, I was volunteering for the Maryland Film Festival and I seen a lot of movies and met a lot of nice people. I felt like an adult and they treated me like one. I felt so free and independent and it felt really good. I got to see three movies, that were really really good. It made me feel like I belonged where I was. What I was seeing on the screen was like what I though everyday in my mind. And it was weird just seen my everyday thoughts on the screen, but it also felt really comfortable. I got to meet some of the filmmakers and I got some of their business cards. Definitely going to think about screen writing as a career.

Summer is almost here, School is almost out of session and I can't wait for it to all be over. This summer is going to be exciting, I can feel it! Hope the same goes for you, express with you next week! Tootles.

Treatment Diagnosis: MDD

So it is true. I have been diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder. I never truly knew what was wrong with me. All I really knew was that something was wrong.



The panic attacks are becoming daily know. I have been trying my best not to freak out at the fact that everything is fine. It doesn't feel like it is fine. It just feels like something is about to go tremendously wrong.

I have to give my therapists reports of when I have these attacks so that is fun. I also have been being sorta antisocial. I have been avoiding my friends, and sometimes my family. My diet has changed, meaning I don't have a appetite for anything anymore, except for lots of hot tamales and peanut chews.

I know I am being honest about my life, but I feel that I am being straightforward with you, because I want you to know my struggle and how I deal with myself and how it influences my writing.

When I talked to my therapist yesterday, she told me that I should really start writing those ideas I have into short stories and I think I will. I would have posted them, but I also have trust issues!

For any of you struggling with depression, anxiety, or any mental disability for that matter, I just want you to know that one day it will get better. The next day will be better than the last, and it takes time to get back to feeling normal. Lord knows I have a way to go, but I'm trying none the least. I'm trying to inform others and give them the opportunity to give input for me.

I was reading this book the other day called "Thirteen Reasons Why". It is really good so far, and one quote that I remember from it that I liked is, "In the End, Everything Matters.". It made me think a lot about the people who influenced who I am today, in some good ways and bad ones. I just want to say thanks for all you do. You didn't have to meet me or ever talk to me, but somehow we did and I really appreciate ever knowing you and what I gained from you.

In conclusion, I now feel that I hold no regrets and neither should you. Cause life is not about "what if?", it's about what you do now! It is about the relationships you make with people and others. It doesn't matter how you make those connection, it just matters that you!

And with this day forward, I have started writing a book called daydreams. This book will capture all the day dreams I have had in the present and in the future. I am starting this because I feel that it can help me to distinguish what really happened and what didn't in my life. I think I need that because I can't really remember my past that much. It's not there, it's all a blur. But today is about the future, not the past, so I am building something that in the future can make a lifetime. Hope you can do the same.

Just always remember when you write, write with a purpose, it doesn't even have to be to someone, just write what you feel and God will guide you. And if you are not religious, then whatever floats you boat will drift you ashore, when you least expect it, but also when you need it the most.