Call It Another Year!

Happy New Year I should say, although I'm starting to hate this time of year because it's that time where people go "New Year, New Me". I'm not surprised because I used to be that person. But this year, I have come to realize that changing who you are isn't important. It is being who you are that is. 


So many people forget that the reason they are who they are now are because of the things and experiences they have done or gone through in the past. So If you happen to like or hate those things, don't embrace change, just be who you are and reflect on the lessons you have learned. 

This year for me, I don't know, has been a little rocky. First, If you don't recall, I tore my ACL back in August during Soccer Tryout.Practice and I think I already told you that I need surgery. I had an appointment the other day and basically I have to wait until the end of the school year to have surgery done to my knee. The only thing I hope for is to not fuck it up before then, because if I do, that'll be some serious damage. 

Next is we are moving, again. And the funny thing is, we are moving down the street again! I don't know but this has been the second time we've moved down the street and I just find it hilarious. And so does everyone else. I told my cousin and he said "Hahaha! Y'all just keep moving farther and farther up the street. I guess if you move up the street enough times, you'll be outta the city." It's a true statement, so there nothing to b mad about. Anyhow the thing with moving is that we have to be out of here in a week tops. And I've already missed a day of school because of an orthopedic appointment so this week is going to be very stressful. Next week is mid-terms and I just hate life right now. Oh God, Sometimes I want to cry, but I always remind myself that this is temporary because there is a cycle. You have up and you have downs and you just happen to be in the downs right now. But eventually you'll go back up!

Right now in English we are reading Kafka on the Shore and it is a really interesting book. I am currently like on the seventh or eighth chapter so I haven't gotten that far yet. But I know it's going to be a good book. It might even be good enough to make it in my favorite's collection.I am also reading this book I ordered off of Amazon called "Ask The Passengers" by A.S. King.  It is a really good book, I am halfway through it already. I have so many books that I am reading at once. I am about to read a new book that just arrived to my house that is called "These Gentle Wounds" by Helene Dunbar. 

That's about it so far, I might post later in the month to tell you how it's going. 

Coming to an End

So I've decided a few things about life. 

The first is: 

Life is fair no matter what. It is society that is not!

The second is:

You may never find that one person who sees all the bullshit behind who you truly are! Lord knows people are blind!

The third is:

Love hurts, especially when the person you love has no idea.

The fourth is:

Suicidal thoughts can be helpful; sometimes.

The fifth is:

Feminism is a good strategy to empowerment.

The sixth is:

Doubt in religion can make you more spiritual

The seventh is:

Listen to some of the moments presented to you in life. They want to tell you something.

The eighth is:

You should use yolo to be young and reckless, just be young and reckless.

The ninth is:

Ignorance is bliss

The tenth is: 

You will never ever truly be happy because sadness is the only truest emotion that doesn't need to be said; its to be felt.

The Fact of the matter Is....

That is why it all must come to an end. Not this life, but the ideas of this life, this culture, this society. But first, I must get myself together, for my heart and mind do not agree, and therefore cause me to die inside. So Farewell, Until We Meet Again!

I just hope it lasts!

But It Can Have Its Consequences!

Inspiration isn’t often hard to find. It comes around when it feels like it, or when it is needed. You find it out of the simplest things, and sometimes out of your dreams. It can be annoying sometimes and right when you’re about to go to sleep, it comes. It forces you to type it up or write it down and when that happens, it begins. The stress, the force of having to do it because if you don’t, you won’t remember. And so you would rather be up all night and tired the next day than to let that one idea go, because deep down inside, one day that idea could make you worth something. And that is all you want. You want to be known, you want someone you don’t know to know your name. You want to be stopped by a stranger and thanked for changing someone’s lives because of your book. You want to know that you matter to someone. Sure, who doesn’t want that, everyone does. But what makes you qualified? How do you know that you could handle that kind of pressure? How do you know that you’re not going to break down everytime it gets too stressful? What are you going to do?

I don’t know. But all I can be sure of is that I am trying my best to live a life that will make me happy. As much as I want to make others happy, I have to make sure I am happy. All my life, I have forgotten that responsibility comes when needed. It has a time and a purpose. Right now, everything is good and I don’t know how long that is going to last. But for right now, I don’t care because i just want to enjoy it. Not just sit around and wait for it all to crumble down. I have been waiting for this moment, this summer, this feeling for as long as I can remember, and when it finally showed up, I had no idea how to feel. I felt that is was wrong, that is wasn’t okay to feel this way. I felt that it was too good to be true. But then it all was okay because I knew it would be. I had plans and I knew that as soon as those were over, I would have the time to discover who I was. I would have the chance to do what I wanted, to be who I truly was.

And I was. The smiles, the faces, the feelings and emotions that were spoken to me though actions were all worth while. I took a trip to another place and it felt good to get away. It felt wonderful not having to take care of those I knew could handle themselves. It felt good not to have to worry about something. I knew everything was okay and I was fine. No anxiety, No breakdowns and no crying when I didn’t want to. I didn’t have to pretend, or be ashamed of who I really was. I could express myself and be myself and just doing that made me feel human. It made me feel apart of something. It made me matter. And the fact that I could feel that way was phenomenal. And the thing is, I didn’t even need to have an idea to do it. Because I didn’t have to hide, to create some other character that would describe how I felt. I could be myself. And it felt good.

I just hope it lasts.