Here We Go Again! What Should I Do? I Need Answers!

Here we go again. I am scared out of my mind. I have begun to have a crush on another boy and this time he's older than me. Well he's one grade above me. Oh God! The last time I went through this was with a friend of mine and when I told him how I feel, things were never the same. I just don't want that to happen this time. And it sucks to have it be this way, but it is something I have to let be. I talk about living in the moment, well that goes along with going with the flow, right? I don't think I ever told you the story of what happened with the first situation, so let me explain.

(Names Have Been Changed To Hide The Identities Of These People, Except Me!)

It was during my freshman year of high school. I had been about the second week of school. I met a boy named Henry and he was nice. We has Biology together and he was my lab partner. We always were lab partners. He was nice and funny and sarcastic, all the things you would look for in a friend. It was cool at first, until I started to feel more than friendship. Everything we did together from then on just made me like him more. We say together at lunch, we debated together and we compared each others lives together. And I was loving, we ended the school year cool and  made saw each other sophomore year. And we still sat together, bu this year we had no classes together, bummed, but everything was fine, right up to the point of midterms of sophomore year when I decided in my mind it was time to tell him how I felt. BIG MISTAKE, BIG, HUGE!

But before I told him how I felt, I started dropping hints to tell him how I felt. So I wrote this little secret admirer note to myself and said someone had sent me this email. The first person I showed was Henry. I asked him: How would you respond to this if someone left you this note:

Dear Rejjia,
Now, don’t freak out cause that will just make things a whole lot worse. Don’t go showing this to people asking if they knew who wrote it because they’ll all say no or either laugh, trust me, I know. The reason for this letter is to start a secret admirer quest. I can’t really tell you my feelings in person because I’m not that brave when it comes to relationships and telling someone I like them. So that’s what these letters are for. Now these letters will show up occasionally in some place unexpected. You won’t find out who put them there until I am ready to reveal myself to you. 
Sincerely, 
Awkward
P.S. This is the Beginning.

So I showed him this and said he would be flattered, and a little freaked out but more interested in finding out who it was. So by that judgement, I decided to not do the letter idea and decided that a old school questionaire would do the trick. So I did that instead.

So it was november the third of last year and I had sent an email to henry with this questionnaire attached for him to answer. I was going to give it to him by hand afterschool, but  when I asked to see if he would open it when he got home, he said he would just open it when I left, so I had to send it in a an email. It was terrible, but I evedentually forgot to change what was written. This is what it said:

Now that you are home, you may read on.
I want you to answer these questions honestly. However you feel, please just be honest.
For me to give you these questions to answer took a lot of courage for me, even if you don’t feel mutual about the situation, just thanks for answering them.
(Remember ANSWER HONESTLY!!!!!

1. Are we friendzoned? (meaning do you see me just as your friend?)
2. Do you or did you ever have a crush on me?
3. Do you like me?
4. If I asked you to go out with me, would you?
5. Do you want to have a relationship with me?

Thanks for answering these questions.
If you did answer these questions and felt strange and non-mutual on the subject, all I have to say is sorry and I hope we can still be friends.
If you did answer these questions and felt mutual, then I will find out tomorrow and me and you will talk. 

Goodnight.

He didn't respond to my email that entire weekend so I knew I was going to have to hear his response when I got back to school that Monday. So that Monday when I came back to school,

I first avoided seeing Donovan at all. But then I told myself to stop being a coward and said I will avoid him until lunch time. When It was time for Lunch, I avoided going over to where we sat together with our other friends. I instead went over to see my crew friends first. My friend Catherine who already knew the sitation grabbed me and literally dragged me to him, and when I resisted, I fell. That was embarressing, and she didn't even help me up. She just continued to walk towards him. But that was besides the fact because I had to stop her from going over there. So then I got up quicker than a man realizing he had ants in his pants and went over where henry was. I then hesitated and went back to get my stuff for lunch which was back over to where my crew girls were. 

I got my stuff and then I finally went to where we sat and then I had l already known that he had read the email, since he hadn't respond to me back in email what he felt. So I sat down and braced myself for what I already knew would be the answer. I could just tell by the way he looked and the way my friends look at me when I came over. He looked at me and said "I just wanna be friends" and I said okay. I was bummed, but I had already known that it would end like that. The rest of that day was suckish. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. It just wouldn't come out of me. I was just so mad at myself for even doing it in the first place. I had tried to figure out why I had did that to myself when I already knew his answer. I was just bummed so I decided to not think about it. 

So Thanksgiving week came around and  I just forgot about it and pretended things were back to normal between me and henri, but I could tell it wasn't. It was Awkward. really really Awkward. I could tell it was really awkward because we didn't look at each other for an entire week. Whenever one of us talked, we pretended to be doing something else, or just ate something and look away. I hated it, I just want things to be back to normal between us. But I knew it wouldn't be. So I went away for a while. I didn't sit where we I used to sit. I now sit with my crew or sometimes in one of my favorite teacher's classroom. 

But now it has been months and we still talk, just not as much as we used to. We don't debate together anymore, but we still have sarcasm. It might not be what it was, but at least it is there. And it has made me a better person. I have been more outgoing since then. 

But these new feeling for this guy leave me to be scared. He's a gentleman and he's funny and mature. And I am kinda scared to tell him how I feel because I don't just want to be friends with him, I want something more. And I don't know if I can handle another "Let's Just Be Friends"!

What Should I Do? 

I just hope it lasts!

But It Can Have Its Consequences!

Inspiration isn’t often hard to find. It comes around when it feels like it, or when it is needed. You find it out of the simplest things, and sometimes out of your dreams. It can be annoying sometimes and right when you’re about to go to sleep, it comes. It forces you to type it up or write it down and when that happens, it begins. The stress, the force of having to do it because if you don’t, you won’t remember. And so you would rather be up all night and tired the next day than to let that one idea go, because deep down inside, one day that idea could make you worth something. And that is all you want. You want to be known, you want someone you don’t know to know your name. You want to be stopped by a stranger and thanked for changing someone’s lives because of your book. You want to know that you matter to someone. Sure, who doesn’t want that, everyone does. But what makes you qualified? How do you know that you could handle that kind of pressure? How do you know that you’re not going to break down everytime it gets too stressful? What are you going to do?

I don’t know. But all I can be sure of is that I am trying my best to live a life that will make me happy. As much as I want to make others happy, I have to make sure I am happy. All my life, I have forgotten that responsibility comes when needed. It has a time and a purpose. Right now, everything is good and I don’t know how long that is going to last. But for right now, I don’t care because i just want to enjoy it. Not just sit around and wait for it all to crumble down. I have been waiting for this moment, this summer, this feeling for as long as I can remember, and when it finally showed up, I had no idea how to feel. I felt that is was wrong, that is wasn’t okay to feel this way. I felt that it was too good to be true. But then it all was okay because I knew it would be. I had plans and I knew that as soon as those were over, I would have the time to discover who I was. I would have the chance to do what I wanted, to be who I truly was.

And I was. The smiles, the faces, the feelings and emotions that were spoken to me though actions were all worth while. I took a trip to another place and it felt good to get away. It felt wonderful not having to take care of those I knew could handle themselves. It felt good not to have to worry about something. I knew everything was okay and I was fine. No anxiety, No breakdowns and no crying when I didn’t want to. I didn’t have to pretend, or be ashamed of who I really was. I could express myself and be myself and just doing that made me feel human. It made me feel apart of something. It made me matter. And the fact that I could feel that way was phenomenal. And the thing is, I didn’t even need to have an idea to do it. Because I didn’t have to hide, to create some other character that would describe how I felt. I could be myself. And it felt good.

I just hope it lasts.