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There are many things my friends don't know about me. 

I often feel very alone and nobody seems to notice. 

And maybe that's my fault because they usually just see the happy side of me. 

But truly, there is no happy side of me. 

When I smile, it is temporary.

I cry constantly, and of course I hide it. 
Rejjia, Eat Something: "I already did"
Rejjia, Cheer Up: "I'll be alright"
Rejjia, What's Wrong: "I'm just tired"

I just thought that by now someone would have seen behind all my bullshit. 

But of course not, because people only care about their bullshit. 

Life is easy, it is a full time job, that why I don't bother looking for employement anymore. 

I thought that by starting this blog, people would actually listen and understand me better. 

But of course, nobody really cares. 

I am trying my best to hold it all together, to try not and crash and burn.

But when you have no one there to truly see you for you, it's pain, constant pain. 

I don't know what to do after this. 

And I don't know who I am anymore. 

I just know that I'm tired of being alone. 

I'm tired of being a failure. 

I'm tired of being laughed at. 

I'm tired of being unloved, ignored and pushed away. 

I'm just tired.

That doesn't mean I'm going to do something rationale. 

I'm going to continue living, but just know I'm tired. 

I know what most of you will say. 

Rejjia. you're not alone. 

You have friends, you have family. 

But where are they?

Mom: Another bill in the mail? Tired?

Sister: Sleep? Irritated? Scared of the Kitchen?

Friends: Too Busy? Distant? Fake? I've Got My Own Drama!

Family: See ya next Thanksgiving? Christmas? Easter?

I'm Passive, so I Understand.

But Do You?

Speculations

Dear Friend, 
Sometimes I feel so insecure because of the fact that I don't have boyfriends like other normal girls to. I know I'm not normal, but part of me wants that normal part. The part that let's me get the chance to experience love with someone I actually like back. Is that so bad to want.

I know that I'm not the prettiest girl out there and some part of me wants to believe that the standard of beauty is set too high, but when does it get to a point where it's set low. I mean is there even a low standard. It's stupid to think about it. But the truth is, I do feel ugly because guys don't look at me the way they look at other girls and that makes me sad. I want to be able to have a guy see me for me and actually like me back. I don't know, maybe I still need to be patient, but when does it get to a point where I don't have to anymore. When is my time?

I wrote this one day while sitting at home thinking about why I feel so insecure. I concluded with trying to be patient, but also trying to ask God why isn't it my turn. I honestly don't get myself sometimes because I do a lot of things and say a lot of things that I don't mean just so that I can convince myself of the possibility it might actually come true. I know most people say I am to young to be thinking about love and should be focused on school. But most of my life is school, 24/7 so why can't I experience a little life now?There are many people out in this world and there has to be one of them for me.

In other news, I have been focusing a lot on my reading and my creative writing. I am currently reading this book for school called "Wild Swans" by Jung Chang. It is about Chinese Communism and I have to read it for IB World History. It is an okay book so far, I am learning a lot, I guess that is good. I saw my schedule for the school year. I am not going to be able to do Creative Writing which is really what I want to do, but I am able to do IB Film. And in a way, I guess that kinda benefits me because I am thinking of doing screenwriting and this could be my start to submitting stuff for the Maryland film festival. I am a little worried that I might get to that bad point again where I have a breakdown for it might get to stressful. I just don't want that again.

Besides reading and writing, I also have been on top of music. I have planned to go to about three concerts and I really want to experience that. I love this new artist named Sam Smith. He reminds me of Adele if she was a dude. I also like the new Ed Sheeran album "X" which is pronounced multiply. It is really good. I have planned to see them, Austin Mahone and Twenty One Pilots. Hopefully if I do see these artists, I can actually say I have had the best summer of my life. I also like this artist named Magic!. They have this song named Rude and it is just so funny but rebellious, and you no me and being a rebel.

This Friday will be my last day at work. I am happy because I also get paid Friday. I have big plans. Besides practicing and training for tryouts for soccer, that is about it. Have a great weekend and if you have anything to say, just leave it in the comments. See ya later, Gator. 

Here We Go Again! What Should I Do? I Need Answers!

Here we go again. I am scared out of my mind. I have begun to have a crush on another boy and this time he's older than me. Well he's one grade above me. Oh God! The last time I went through this was with a friend of mine and when I told him how I feel, things were never the same. I just don't want that to happen this time. And it sucks to have it be this way, but it is something I have to let be. I talk about living in the moment, well that goes along with going with the flow, right? I don't think I ever told you the story of what happened with the first situation, so let me explain.

(Names Have Been Changed To Hide The Identities Of These People, Except Me!)

It was during my freshman year of high school. I had been about the second week of school. I met a boy named Henry and he was nice. We has Biology together and he was my lab partner. We always were lab partners. He was nice and funny and sarcastic, all the things you would look for in a friend. It was cool at first, until I started to feel more than friendship. Everything we did together from then on just made me like him more. We say together at lunch, we debated together and we compared each others lives together. And I was loving, we ended the school year cool and  made saw each other sophomore year. And we still sat together, bu this year we had no classes together, bummed, but everything was fine, right up to the point of midterms of sophomore year when I decided in my mind it was time to tell him how I felt. BIG MISTAKE, BIG, HUGE!

But before I told him how I felt, I started dropping hints to tell him how I felt. So I wrote this little secret admirer note to myself and said someone had sent me this email. The first person I showed was Henry. I asked him: How would you respond to this if someone left you this note:

Dear Rejjia,
Now, don’t freak out cause that will just make things a whole lot worse. Don’t go showing this to people asking if they knew who wrote it because they’ll all say no or either laugh, trust me, I know. The reason for this letter is to start a secret admirer quest. I can’t really tell you my feelings in person because I’m not that brave when it comes to relationships and telling someone I like them. So that’s what these letters are for. Now these letters will show up occasionally in some place unexpected. You won’t find out who put them there until I am ready to reveal myself to you. 
Sincerely, 
Awkward
P.S. This is the Beginning.

So I showed him this and said he would be flattered, and a little freaked out but more interested in finding out who it was. So by that judgement, I decided to not do the letter idea and decided that a old school questionaire would do the trick. So I did that instead.

So it was november the third of last year and I had sent an email to henry with this questionnaire attached for him to answer. I was going to give it to him by hand afterschool, but  when I asked to see if he would open it when he got home, he said he would just open it when I left, so I had to send it in a an email. It was terrible, but I evedentually forgot to change what was written. This is what it said:

Now that you are home, you may read on.
I want you to answer these questions honestly. However you feel, please just be honest.
For me to give you these questions to answer took a lot of courage for me, even if you don’t feel mutual about the situation, just thanks for answering them.
(Remember ANSWER HONESTLY!!!!!

1. Are we friendzoned? (meaning do you see me just as your friend?)
2. Do you or did you ever have a crush on me?
3. Do you like me?
4. If I asked you to go out with me, would you?
5. Do you want to have a relationship with me?

Thanks for answering these questions.
If you did answer these questions and felt strange and non-mutual on the subject, all I have to say is sorry and I hope we can still be friends.
If you did answer these questions and felt mutual, then I will find out tomorrow and me and you will talk. 

Goodnight.

He didn't respond to my email that entire weekend so I knew I was going to have to hear his response when I got back to school that Monday. So that Monday when I came back to school,

I first avoided seeing Donovan at all. But then I told myself to stop being a coward and said I will avoid him until lunch time. When It was time for Lunch, I avoided going over to where we sat together with our other friends. I instead went over to see my crew friends first. My friend Catherine who already knew the sitation grabbed me and literally dragged me to him, and when I resisted, I fell. That was embarressing, and she didn't even help me up. She just continued to walk towards him. But that was besides the fact because I had to stop her from going over there. So then I got up quicker than a man realizing he had ants in his pants and went over where henry was. I then hesitated and went back to get my stuff for lunch which was back over to where my crew girls were. 

I got my stuff and then I finally went to where we sat and then I had l already known that he had read the email, since he hadn't respond to me back in email what he felt. So I sat down and braced myself for what I already knew would be the answer. I could just tell by the way he looked and the way my friends look at me when I came over. He looked at me and said "I just wanna be friends" and I said okay. I was bummed, but I had already known that it would end like that. The rest of that day was suckish. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. It just wouldn't come out of me. I was just so mad at myself for even doing it in the first place. I had tried to figure out why I had did that to myself when I already knew his answer. I was just bummed so I decided to not think about it. 

So Thanksgiving week came around and  I just forgot about it and pretended things were back to normal between me and henri, but I could tell it wasn't. It was Awkward. really really Awkward. I could tell it was really awkward because we didn't look at each other for an entire week. Whenever one of us talked, we pretended to be doing something else, or just ate something and look away. I hated it, I just want things to be back to normal between us. But I knew it wouldn't be. So I went away for a while. I didn't sit where we I used to sit. I now sit with my crew or sometimes in one of my favorite teacher's classroom. 

But now it has been months and we still talk, just not as much as we used to. We don't debate together anymore, but we still have sarcasm. It might not be what it was, but at least it is there. And it has made me a better person. I have been more outgoing since then. 

But these new feeling for this guy leave me to be scared. He's a gentleman and he's funny and mature. And I am kinda scared to tell him how I feel because I don't just want to be friends with him, I want something more. And I don't know if I can handle another "Let's Just Be Friends"!

What Should I Do?