Coming to an End

So I've decided a few things about life. 

The first is: 

Life is fair no matter what. It is society that is not!

The second is:

You may never find that one person who sees all the bullshit behind who you truly are! Lord knows people are blind!

The third is:

Love hurts, especially when the person you love has no idea.

The fourth is:

Suicidal thoughts can be helpful; sometimes.

The fifth is:

Feminism is a good strategy to empowerment.

The sixth is:

Doubt in religion can make you more spiritual

The seventh is:

Listen to some of the moments presented to you in life. They want to tell you something.

The eighth is:

You should use yolo to be young and reckless, just be young and reckless.

The ninth is:

Ignorance is bliss

The tenth is: 

You will never ever truly be happy because sadness is the only truest emotion that doesn't need to be said; its to be felt.

The Fact of the matter Is....

That is why it all must come to an end. Not this life, but the ideas of this life, this culture, this society. But first, I must get myself together, for my heart and mind do not agree, and therefore cause me to die inside. So Farewell, Until We Meet Again!

Evaluating the Mindstate

I love Rocky Horror Picture Show!

Hello my readers, today has been like any other day in Baltimore City, hot, long and ignorant. While I struggle to maintain my vision of my future, It is further corrupted and affecting the personality of the person I want to be in this world. But you know, I'm not going to get into that because it will just further make me mad. Instead, I will talk about how my lifestyle is now, now that school is back in session. Extra-Curricular activities are my life now. Ever since my leg injury, I have been able to participate in my clubs early this year and man is it insane.

My new theme for the year!

Firstly, I have debate club in which I love without a doubt. The new resolution for this year is The United States Federal Government Should Substantially increase its non-military exploration and/or development of the earth's oceans. Yeah, it's broad, but hey, it is all about interpretation. Anyway, as I work on my cards and notes for that, I still have to be assigned a partner which is like ugh, because that means I have to find someone. And sometimes I am not the best finder of things.

Secondly, my next obligation is Robotics. This year is to be very competitive because we lost last year and it didn't feel to great. So this year, we are getting our start. This year, we have to design a robot that has to be able to move these plastic cubes and stack them. It's called Skyrise and it is being run Vex Competitions. Even though it seems challenging, our robot brainstorming has it's underway.

Thirdly, my next club obligation is Newspaper. Yes it is a way to actually get my stuff read from paper print, and I can write about anything I want. That is the beauty of it. Other than these, I have clubs that are still going underway for later in the year like ADL, One City One Book and Bcc Echoes.

I am not really worried about the schoolwork now, but I bet later, it will get worse, but until then, I am going to live in the moment. Other than schoolwork, back comes the issue of school dues. I have to buy my ring and all the payment has to be in by October 30th. I have this to worry about, and I also have my homelife to worry about. I seriously need to start working. I know some of you might be like, "Uh, Do you even have the time for a job?". Maybe I do, and maybe I don't, but I have to put my education and my family first, and if anyone with leadership skills, they will understand the perdicament I am in. I won't let it get the best of me, but I know it won't be easy. All I can hope for now is that everything works out for the best. Because the one true statement I will always believe is that "Things Change, Friends Leave, and Life Doesn't Stop For Anybody!" 

Goodnight and inform you again!

Junior Year

So as you know or don't know, I am now a junior in high. This year is going to be really exciting and hard at the same time, but I am going to try and do my best to keep my mental stability in tact! I have my guidance counselors, my teachers and my family to get me through hopefully when the times get rough, and not to mention my incredible friends, who will all be struggling with me. As I mentioned before, I attend an IB World School and it's basically a college preporatory school, which means every course I take this year will be intense and leave me no time for a life to live! #TeamNoLife! Lol, But I'll Manage.

This is My Schedule:
1st Period is IB World History
2nd Period is Probability and Statistics
3rd Period is IB Film
4/5th Period is Spanish III
6/7th Period is AP Comparative Government and Politics
8th Period is Lunch
9/10th Period is Biology II
11th Period is English III

This was my reaction, but a little more intense!

Other than that, what has been going lately? Well basically the usual, just focusing on what I am going to be doing during the year. I usually during the fall play soccer, but this year, I didn't make it because I got injured and you can't play if you're injured, so yeah. I don't quite know what quite is wrong with my leg, but I limp when I walk and I can't bend my knee. This sucks but what can I do. Anyway, I wasn't mad or sad at all, I was actually happy because this just gave me the opportunity to start clubs early. I participated in Newspaper, Robotics, Speech and One City, One Book last year. This year I am doing Newspaper, Literary Magazine, Debate, and Book club and maybe Robotics this year. I don't want to overwhelm myself with all these obligations because I know how intense this year can get and I know how I get so this is it for now.

Since I am a junior now, I have a lot of dues to pay. God, there is so much to pay for. I have to pay for my school ring, which is seperate from school dues. I want to get a job in the spring to at least help me get a little money in my pocket to pay for stuff. I have a little saved up, but not enough to pay all of my dues. I am trying my best not to stress about it, but I do have to keep it mind somewhere. Included in my dues are paying for prom, but the thing is that I don't even know if I want to go to Prom. I'm not much of a dancer or a person of interest of the opposite sex, so what possible fun could I have at a prom?

But forever problems will reign on, so the best thing to remember is:

Religious Wisdom

Some great wisdom once came to my knowledge when I was going through a depression phase. I once realized that when life is at its worst, things must get worse before they can get better. Life has great ups and down and we have to try our best to live through the downs of life so that we may experience the good. If there is one thing that I can say I've learned from my faith, it's this:

"Living in this world isn't easy, and God makes sure it's not, but at least he created hope so that we can believe in something better for ourselves."

When we go back and revisit the wisdom we once had, we are presented with the choice to either keep believing that wisdom or consider it to be untrue, thus opening the door for new knowledge to enter from the next heartache. I haven't quite decided what I want to believe yet, but I know I believe in God and in Destiny. Some part of me feels that pain is the only way to actually feel happiness because you must experience that to understand the idea of happiness. Happiness is not an emotion, it is an idea. The only thing close to the real idea of happiness is peace.

Wait what, is she a Christian or Buddhist?

 See, I don't really read the bible much because I feel most of it isn't accurate or that it contradicts itself, but what I do believe from it is that love and peace are the only real things a person can hope for. Some of you might just think I 'm stupid and don't have the experience to say most of this, but just because I'm young doesn't mean I don't know things, it just means I have experienced some things in my life that have shaped the corners of my book (life).

I haven't really been writing a lot. I write something small from time to time. Right now I'm really focused on school stuff and making sure my health is in check. If I forgot to tell you guys, I got braces like last this past June and I want to get them in check before I go back to school. Another concern is my chest area, I've been having weird burning sensation in my breast areas, so I wanted to get that checked out. I have set appointments but now I am awaiting and that just kills me because I want to make sure I am okay! Then next week I have soccer tryouts so I want to make sure my health is okay for that.

Speculations

Dear Friend, 
Sometimes I feel so insecure because of the fact that I don't have boyfriends like other normal girls to. I know I'm not normal, but part of me wants that normal part. The part that let's me get the chance to experience love with someone I actually like back. Is that so bad to want.

I know that I'm not the prettiest girl out there and some part of me wants to believe that the standard of beauty is set too high, but when does it get to a point where it's set low. I mean is there even a low standard. It's stupid to think about it. But the truth is, I do feel ugly because guys don't look at me the way they look at other girls and that makes me sad. I want to be able to have a guy see me for me and actually like me back. I don't know, maybe I still need to be patient, but when does it get to a point where I don't have to anymore. When is my time?

I wrote this one day while sitting at home thinking about why I feel so insecure. I concluded with trying to be patient, but also trying to ask God why isn't it my turn. I honestly don't get myself sometimes because I do a lot of things and say a lot of things that I don't mean just so that I can convince myself of the possibility it might actually come true. I know most people say I am to young to be thinking about love and should be focused on school. But most of my life is school, 24/7 so why can't I experience a little life now?There are many people out in this world and there has to be one of them for me.

In other news, I have been focusing a lot on my reading and my creative writing. I am currently reading this book for school called "Wild Swans" by Jung Chang. It is about Chinese Communism and I have to read it for IB World History. It is an okay book so far, I am learning a lot, I guess that is good. I saw my schedule for the school year. I am not going to be able to do Creative Writing which is really what I want to do, but I am able to do IB Film. And in a way, I guess that kinda benefits me because I am thinking of doing screenwriting and this could be my start to submitting stuff for the Maryland film festival. I am a little worried that I might get to that bad point again where I have a breakdown for it might get to stressful. I just don't want that again.

Besides reading and writing, I also have been on top of music. I have planned to go to about three concerts and I really want to experience that. I love this new artist named Sam Smith. He reminds me of Adele if she was a dude. I also like the new Ed Sheeran album "X" which is pronounced multiply. It is really good. I have planned to see them, Austin Mahone and Twenty One Pilots. Hopefully if I do see these artists, I can actually say I have had the best summer of my life. I also like this artist named Magic!. They have this song named Rude and it is just so funny but rebellious, and you no me and being a rebel.

This Friday will be my last day at work. I am happy because I also get paid Friday. I have big plans. Besides practicing and training for tryouts for soccer, that is about it. Have a great weekend and if you have anything to say, just leave it in the comments. See ya later, Gator. 

Here We Go Again! What Should I Do? I Need Answers!

Here we go again. I am scared out of my mind. I have begun to have a crush on another boy and this time he's older than me. Well he's one grade above me. Oh God! The last time I went through this was with a friend of mine and when I told him how I feel, things were never the same. I just don't want that to happen this time. And it sucks to have it be this way, but it is something I have to let be. I talk about living in the moment, well that goes along with going with the flow, right? I don't think I ever told you the story of what happened with the first situation, so let me explain.

(Names Have Been Changed To Hide The Identities Of These People, Except Me!)

It was during my freshman year of high school. I had been about the second week of school. I met a boy named Henry and he was nice. We has Biology together and he was my lab partner. We always were lab partners. He was nice and funny and sarcastic, all the things you would look for in a friend. It was cool at first, until I started to feel more than friendship. Everything we did together from then on just made me like him more. We say together at lunch, we debated together and we compared each others lives together. And I was loving, we ended the school year cool and  made saw each other sophomore year. And we still sat together, bu this year we had no classes together, bummed, but everything was fine, right up to the point of midterms of sophomore year when I decided in my mind it was time to tell him how I felt. BIG MISTAKE, BIG, HUGE!

But before I told him how I felt, I started dropping hints to tell him how I felt. So I wrote this little secret admirer note to myself and said someone had sent me this email. The first person I showed was Henry. I asked him: How would you respond to this if someone left you this note:

Dear Rejjia,
Now, don’t freak out cause that will just make things a whole lot worse. Don’t go showing this to people asking if they knew who wrote it because they’ll all say no or either laugh, trust me, I know. The reason for this letter is to start a secret admirer quest. I can’t really tell you my feelings in person because I’m not that brave when it comes to relationships and telling someone I like them. So that’s what these letters are for. Now these letters will show up occasionally in some place unexpected. You won’t find out who put them there until I am ready to reveal myself to you. 
Sincerely, 
Awkward
P.S. This is the Beginning.

So I showed him this and said he would be flattered, and a little freaked out but more interested in finding out who it was. So by that judgement, I decided to not do the letter idea and decided that a old school questionaire would do the trick. So I did that instead.

So it was november the third of last year and I had sent an email to henry with this questionnaire attached for him to answer. I was going to give it to him by hand afterschool, but  when I asked to see if he would open it when he got home, he said he would just open it when I left, so I had to send it in a an email. It was terrible, but I evedentually forgot to change what was written. This is what it said:

Now that you are home, you may read on.
I want you to answer these questions honestly. However you feel, please just be honest.
For me to give you these questions to answer took a lot of courage for me, even if you don’t feel mutual about the situation, just thanks for answering them.
(Remember ANSWER HONESTLY!!!!!

1. Are we friendzoned? (meaning do you see me just as your friend?)
2. Do you or did you ever have a crush on me?
3. Do you like me?
4. If I asked you to go out with me, would you?
5. Do you want to have a relationship with me?

Thanks for answering these questions.
If you did answer these questions and felt strange and non-mutual on the subject, all I have to say is sorry and I hope we can still be friends.
If you did answer these questions and felt mutual, then I will find out tomorrow and me and you will talk. 

Goodnight.

He didn't respond to my email that entire weekend so I knew I was going to have to hear his response when I got back to school that Monday. So that Monday when I came back to school,

I first avoided seeing Donovan at all. But then I told myself to stop being a coward and said I will avoid him until lunch time. When It was time for Lunch, I avoided going over to where we sat together with our other friends. I instead went over to see my crew friends first. My friend Catherine who already knew the sitation grabbed me and literally dragged me to him, and when I resisted, I fell. That was embarressing, and she didn't even help me up. She just continued to walk towards him. But that was besides the fact because I had to stop her from going over there. So then I got up quicker than a man realizing he had ants in his pants and went over where henry was. I then hesitated and went back to get my stuff for lunch which was back over to where my crew girls were. 

I got my stuff and then I finally went to where we sat and then I had l already known that he had read the email, since he hadn't respond to me back in email what he felt. So I sat down and braced myself for what I already knew would be the answer. I could just tell by the way he looked and the way my friends look at me when I came over. He looked at me and said "I just wanna be friends" and I said okay. I was bummed, but I had already known that it would end like that. The rest of that day was suckish. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. It just wouldn't come out of me. I was just so mad at myself for even doing it in the first place. I had tried to figure out why I had did that to myself when I already knew his answer. I was just bummed so I decided to not think about it. 

So Thanksgiving week came around and  I just forgot about it and pretended things were back to normal between me and henri, but I could tell it wasn't. It was Awkward. really really Awkward. I could tell it was really awkward because we didn't look at each other for an entire week. Whenever one of us talked, we pretended to be doing something else, or just ate something and look away. I hated it, I just want things to be back to normal between us. But I knew it wouldn't be. So I went away for a while. I didn't sit where we I used to sit. I now sit with my crew or sometimes in one of my favorite teacher's classroom. 

But now it has been months and we still talk, just not as much as we used to. We don't debate together anymore, but we still have sarcasm. It might not be what it was, but at least it is there. And it has made me a better person. I have been more outgoing since then. 

But these new feeling for this guy leave me to be scared. He's a gentleman and he's funny and mature. And I am kinda scared to tell him how I feel because I don't just want to be friends with him, I want something more. And I don't know if I can handle another "Let's Just Be Friends"!

What Should I Do? 

I just hope it lasts!

But It Can Have Its Consequences!

Inspiration isn’t often hard to find. It comes around when it feels like it, or when it is needed. You find it out of the simplest things, and sometimes out of your dreams. It can be annoying sometimes and right when you’re about to go to sleep, it comes. It forces you to type it up or write it down and when that happens, it begins. The stress, the force of having to do it because if you don’t, you won’t remember. And so you would rather be up all night and tired the next day than to let that one idea go, because deep down inside, one day that idea could make you worth something. And that is all you want. You want to be known, you want someone you don’t know to know your name. You want to be stopped by a stranger and thanked for changing someone’s lives because of your book. You want to know that you matter to someone. Sure, who doesn’t want that, everyone does. But what makes you qualified? How do you know that you could handle that kind of pressure? How do you know that you’re not going to break down everytime it gets too stressful? What are you going to do?

I don’t know. But all I can be sure of is that I am trying my best to live a life that will make me happy. As much as I want to make others happy, I have to make sure I am happy. All my life, I have forgotten that responsibility comes when needed. It has a time and a purpose. Right now, everything is good and I don’t know how long that is going to last. But for right now, I don’t care because i just want to enjoy it. Not just sit around and wait for it all to crumble down. I have been waiting for this moment, this summer, this feeling for as long as I can remember, and when it finally showed up, I had no idea how to feel. I felt that is was wrong, that is wasn’t okay to feel this way. I felt that it was too good to be true. But then it all was okay because I knew it would be. I had plans and I knew that as soon as those were over, I would have the time to discover who I was. I would have the chance to do what I wanted, to be who I truly was.

And I was. The smiles, the faces, the feelings and emotions that were spoken to me though actions were all worth while. I took a trip to another place and it felt good to get away. It felt wonderful not having to take care of those I knew could handle themselves. It felt good not to have to worry about something. I knew everything was okay and I was fine. No anxiety, No breakdowns and no crying when I didn’t want to. I didn’t have to pretend, or be ashamed of who I really was. I could express myself and be myself and just doing that made me feel human. It made me feel apart of something. It made me matter. And the fact that I could feel that way was phenomenal. And the thing is, I didn’t even need to have an idea to do it. Because I didn’t have to hide, to create some other character that would describe how I felt. I could be myself. And it felt good.

I just hope it lasts.