I Don't Know Where To Begin~!

Dear World,

Lord only knows how long it has been since I've written to you. It's ridiculous and I ask for your forgiveness. There is a lot going on and to sum it up will be quite simple, don't trust me!

First of all, I am a senior now!

But I've been a senior for a couple of months and It's not all cracked up as it is suppose to be. I'm still tired and sleepy and busy. I still get to school late and I still get good grades. Sometimes I believe I can do it, that I can finish out strong, but sometimes I be feeling like:

Yes somewhere in between the time I stopped blogging and me starting to blog again, I have become more open. According to my sister, I have become "ratchet" but I don't understand how. 

Anyway, as I've said before, a lot has happened. I have been in a relationship and not I'm out of one. I have been awarded stuff and struggled to feel loved. I don't really know where to begin in this. All there is to know it that:

1. I've gotten surgery on my ACL and I'm getting surgery.

2. I dated someone and broke up with them because they were obsessive. 

3. I am a senior now. I am applying to a lot of colleges and want to study Creative Writer. 

4. Sometimes I want to give up and let life win. 

5. I feel pain pretty often and that's not good because it's affecting my health 

6. I haven't written or read anything for leisure in a while

7. I am still alone and still feel that way even around people I call friends. 

8. I am bisexual and change modes of gender when I want,

9. I still in ways hate myself

10. But I don't want to die!

Justicia Yo Soy, Yo Soy Justicia!

Para este publicacion, voy a estar hablando sobre un la problema muy serio que necesita estar discutido en ingles y esponal. Este publicacion es el version esponal. 

El movimiento contra violencia domestica en las mujeres comienza con el mundo familiarizandose con el idea que ellos o ellas son el cambio a justicia. 

Hola, Mi gente, es el momento a hablar sobre violencia domestica contra las mujeres en Guatemala. Sabias que 91% de violencia intrafamiliar que ocurre es contra mujeres. Yo no soprendido si usted no sabia. Que es por que el movimiento contra violencia domestica esta empezando a compatir el mensaje que somos el camino a justicia. Yo poienso que cuando el movimiento establece que somos el cambio a justicia, que estan diciendo que es nuestro trabajada a encontrar justicia por los asesinados, los torturados y los casos no resueltos de la violencia domestica conrta las mujeres. 

El movimiento usos mucho de estilos diferente que son muy eficaz. Las personas en el movimiento uso los medios sociales, musico, arte y filmes. Una mujer llama Kimberly Batista inspirado el movimiento cuando ella crea un filme sobre la desaparicion de su hermana. El filme es llamado "Justicia por mi Hermana". Originalmente el filme iba a ser sobre la violencia domestica contra las mujeres y como los casos de violencia domestica contra las mujeres ir sin resolver en Guatemala, pero entonces su hermana desaparecido y nunca mas volvio. La busqueda por su hermana fue filmado y revelado poco despues de que su novio le habia golpeado hasta la muerte y dejo en la cuneta. 

Segun a el filme, 580 mujeres en promedio son asesinado en Guatemala cada ano. Batista querido este imformacion a ser compatido con el mundo asi ella creado grupos de discusionses. Batista empeza tener su equipo salir y ensena jovenes estilos a preventir violencia domestica contra las mujeres y otro personas. Yo pienso que este estilo es muy eficaz porque cuando ellos ven el filme, pueden entendar lo que las mujeres experiencian. Cuando los hombres saben lo que las mujeres experiencian, pueden empezar a crear y hacer un cambio. Yo siento que este movimiento es muy influyente en ayundando el mundo ven como serio la problema de violencia domestica en Guatemala es. 

Call It Another Year!

Happy New Year I should say, although I'm starting to hate this time of year because it's that time where people go "New Year, New Me". I'm not surprised because I used to be that person. But this year, I have come to realize that changing who you are isn't important. It is being who you are that is. 


So many people forget that the reason they are who they are now are because of the things and experiences they have done or gone through in the past. So If you happen to like or hate those things, don't embrace change, just be who you are and reflect on the lessons you have learned. 

This year for me, I don't know, has been a little rocky. First, If you don't recall, I tore my ACL back in August during Soccer Tryout.Practice and I think I already told you that I need surgery. I had an appointment the other day and basically I have to wait until the end of the school year to have surgery done to my knee. The only thing I hope for is to not fuck it up before then, because if I do, that'll be some serious damage. 

Next is we are moving, again. And the funny thing is, we are moving down the street again! I don't know but this has been the second time we've moved down the street and I just find it hilarious. And so does everyone else. I told my cousin and he said "Hahaha! Y'all just keep moving farther and farther up the street. I guess if you move up the street enough times, you'll be outta the city." It's a true statement, so there nothing to b mad about. Anyhow the thing with moving is that we have to be out of here in a week tops. And I've already missed a day of school because of an orthopedic appointment so this week is going to be very stressful. Next week is mid-terms and I just hate life right now. Oh God, Sometimes I want to cry, but I always remind myself that this is temporary because there is a cycle. You have up and you have downs and you just happen to be in the downs right now. But eventually you'll go back up!

Right now in English we are reading Kafka on the Shore and it is a really interesting book. I am currently like on the seventh or eighth chapter so I haven't gotten that far yet. But I know it's going to be a good book. It might even be good enough to make it in my favorite's collection.I am also reading this book I ordered off of Amazon called "Ask The Passengers" by A.S. King.  It is a really good book, I am halfway through it already. I have so many books that I am reading at once. I am about to read a new book that just arrived to my house that is called "These Gentle Wounds" by Helene Dunbar. 

That's about it so far, I might post later in the month to tell you how it's going. 

Non-Topical

I purchased a book two years, on this very day. It wasn't necessarily on a Monday, but it was on this very date. It was and still stands as a fill in book. It was called: "642 Things To Write About" written and produced by: The San Francisco Writers Grotto. Now as you can image, I should be finished this book by now, but I'm not. There still remains 600 prompts undone. But recently during the past week, I've been doing a prompt everyday, by random. Now, last Saturday, I chose randomly to do a prompt that gave me the option to: "Write about something you know absolutely nothing about. Make it all up". Now to my humor, I gladly did as told, and the topic that I chose was Racism.

Now it might seem odd that I chose racism as my topic because I do know about Racism and it's history. But I chose to mix it up a bit and tell it from another angle. Below reads my idea:

Racism is the mistreatment of ducks. It started in 1342, with this farmer named Jim Reed. He would always brag about the ducks he owned and how beautiful their wings were. He did it so much that people got angry and stormed to his house with pitch forks and fire starters. Eventually, it led to the burning and lynching of many ducks. Ducks were often associated with chickens and thus the mockery of chicken wings began. This racism still occurs today and Jim Reed remains unstopped because his ducks wings are beautiful. 

Now seeming as though I associated Racism with ducks, I did it because it was the first thing that popped into my head. And as the first sentence began, I just furthered it with things I always imagined are associated with bragging. Usually a robbery occurs or people get frustrated and leave people alone. My intention was to do the opposite. I chose to have people get frustrated and come to him, in which they would complain. But mostly when people complain, they don't want anything extreme to happen, but in this case, I chose for it to, because that's how mistreatment works. 

You see, this whole story might be crazy and you might think WTF. But everything happens for a reason. There was a reason I wrote this story, and there was a reason why I wrote it the way I did. There is a reason why Racism of ducks into my head and why people find beauty so violent. Overflowing beauty was the theme. I don't know if any of you caught but hey, it was there, You just have to look closely to see it. And the reason I chose to not identify a color, was because it doesn't matter, because no matter what, we are all something. And who are you to judge, let alone, make yourself worth of someone else being below you. 

I'm not a conformist, I just believe in equality. Most people advocate for it and don't even understand what it is. If your advocating for higher wages, is that because you want to be rich like them, or because you feel everyone should be able to have the same opportunities. If your advocating for gender, human rights, or LGBT, are you doing that because you believe we are the same, or to just show that you are a good person. See there is a difference between self-worth and awareness. 

Do you know what it is?

Butterfly Not Burning

The title actually has it's own story. In school right now, we just got finished reading this book called Butterfly Burning, and it's about the downfall of a love between Phephalaphi and Fumbatha. I like this book, even though at the end she kills herself by setting herself afire. So the title of this post is "Not Butterfly Burning" because I am not in love, I am not in distress and I am not going to kill myself, well not anytime soon at that!

God has been good to me. And so has society so far. I haven't been having any stressful anxietic breakdowns for like two weeks which is awesome! Today I got my high school class room and now I feel like an official junior. I feel that at this point in time I am doing the best I can to be all I can be. I would say that I am still trying to figure out who I am, but then that means I have been trying, which I am not. I am just living in the moment and it actually feels good to because I don't overthink or make judgements about things. All is well!


Apart from that, I just want to share a poem with you that I wrote a few months ago. It was inspired of course by the show "How I Met Your Mother" and the main character "Ted Mosby". I won't give away what it is about, I'll let you analyze:

I’ll find you standing in the
coffee shop trying to get your
daily mocha or cappuccino,
whichever one decides to come first.
You’ll smile at the cashier and try to
make her laugh at your corny joke of the day.
And for the sake of life, you won’t stop wearing that tie
I bought you from when we first met because you
said it will symbolize the many build ups I would have
in your life. And for the first time, I actually
believed you because not one moment goes
by that you don’t remind me how pretty I am,
despite how I may feel about my looks and my body.

Now the only thing left to
do is meet you in this world of
seven billion people. I wonder where
you are and what you are wearing now before
I symbolize not just your wardrobe, but your life.

That's basically it for the update, I will post next month and you can check in again! Of course, if you even want to contact me, just comment or email me. Till then, tootles!

Untitled

There are many things my friends don't know about me. 

I often feel very alone and nobody seems to notice. 

And maybe that's my fault because they usually just see the happy side of me. 

But truly, there is no happy side of me. 

When I smile, it is temporary.

I cry constantly, and of course I hide it. 
Rejjia, Eat Something: "I already did"
Rejjia, Cheer Up: "I'll be alright"
Rejjia, What's Wrong: "I'm just tired"

I just thought that by now someone would have seen behind all my bullshit. 

But of course not, because people only care about their bullshit. 

Life is easy, it is a full time job, that why I don't bother looking for employement anymore. 

I thought that by starting this blog, people would actually listen and understand me better. 

But of course, nobody really cares. 

I am trying my best to hold it all together, to try not and crash and burn.

But when you have no one there to truly see you for you, it's pain, constant pain. 

I don't know what to do after this. 

And I don't know who I am anymore. 

I just know that I'm tired of being alone. 

I'm tired of being a failure. 

I'm tired of being laughed at. 

I'm tired of being unloved, ignored and pushed away. 

I'm just tired.

That doesn't mean I'm going to do something rationale. 

I'm going to continue living, but just know I'm tired. 

I know what most of you will say. 

Rejjia. you're not alone. 

You have friends, you have family. 

But where are they?

Mom: Another bill in the mail? Tired?

Sister: Sleep? Irritated? Scared of the Kitchen?

Friends: Too Busy? Distant? Fake? I've Got My Own Drama!

Family: See ya next Thanksgiving? Christmas? Easter?

I'm Passive, so I Understand.

But Do You?

Coming to an End

So I've decided a few things about life. 

The first is: 

Life is fair no matter what. It is society that is not!

The second is:

You may never find that one person who sees all the bullshit behind who you truly are! Lord knows people are blind!

The third is:

Love hurts, especially when the person you love has no idea.

The fourth is:

Suicidal thoughts can be helpful; sometimes.

The fifth is:

Feminism is a good strategy to empowerment.

The sixth is:

Doubt in religion can make you more spiritual

The seventh is:

Listen to some of the moments presented to you in life. They want to tell you something.

The eighth is:

You should use yolo to be young and reckless, just be young and reckless.

The ninth is:

Ignorance is bliss

The tenth is: 

You will never ever truly be happy because sadness is the only truest emotion that doesn't need to be said; its to be felt.

The Fact of the matter Is....

That is why it all must come to an end. Not this life, but the ideas of this life, this culture, this society. But first, I must get myself together, for my heart and mind do not agree, and therefore cause me to die inside. So Farewell, Until We Meet Again!

Evaluating the Mindstate

I love Rocky Horror Picture Show!

Hello my readers, today has been like any other day in Baltimore City, hot, long and ignorant. While I struggle to maintain my vision of my future, It is further corrupted and affecting the personality of the person I want to be in this world. But you know, I'm not going to get into that because it will just further make me mad. Instead, I will talk about how my lifestyle is now, now that school is back in session. Extra-Curricular activities are my life now. Ever since my leg injury, I have been able to participate in my clubs early this year and man is it insane.

My new theme for the year!

Firstly, I have debate club in which I love without a doubt. The new resolution for this year is The United States Federal Government Should Substantially increase its non-military exploration and/or development of the earth's oceans. Yeah, it's broad, but hey, it is all about interpretation. Anyway, as I work on my cards and notes for that, I still have to be assigned a partner which is like ugh, because that means I have to find someone. And sometimes I am not the best finder of things.

Secondly, my next obligation is Robotics. This year is to be very competitive because we lost last year and it didn't feel to great. So this year, we are getting our start. This year, we have to design a robot that has to be able to move these plastic cubes and stack them. It's called Skyrise and it is being run Vex Competitions. Even though it seems challenging, our robot brainstorming has it's underway.

Thirdly, my next club obligation is Newspaper. Yes it is a way to actually get my stuff read from paper print, and I can write about anything I want. That is the beauty of it. Other than these, I have clubs that are still going underway for later in the year like ADL, One City One Book and Bcc Echoes.

I am not really worried about the schoolwork now, but I bet later, it will get worse, but until then, I am going to live in the moment. Other than schoolwork, back comes the issue of school dues. I have to buy my ring and all the payment has to be in by October 30th. I have this to worry about, and I also have my homelife to worry about. I seriously need to start working. I know some of you might be like, "Uh, Do you even have the time for a job?". Maybe I do, and maybe I don't, but I have to put my education and my family first, and if anyone with leadership skills, they will understand the perdicament I am in. I won't let it get the best of me, but I know it won't be easy. All I can hope for now is that everything works out for the best. Because the one true statement I will always believe is that "Things Change, Friends Leave, and Life Doesn't Stop For Anybody!" 

Goodnight and inform you again!