Friday, April 18, 2014

Dear Charlie

I know I said I would only post on Wednesday, but I can't always commit to that rule. Rules were made to be broken. Anyway, I have a letter I want to share with someone, his name is charlie. This is to my friend who silence I felt needed to be answered. 

Dear Charlie, 

Since your last entry to me, I have never been able to recover. I can only wonder what has happened to you. Did you ever get together with Sam? Have you graduated from high school? Did your brother make it to the pros? This non communication hurts me to the fullest. I just want your response. But I will tell you how I have been lately. Recently I have been feeling alone because I don’t have a lot of friends to go to and hang out with. I have friends, just not close ones, like that I can tell secrets to. I don’t have ones that I can talk to like you talked to with me. I’m sorry it took me so long to respond and I hope you forgive me for waiting so long to respond. I guess I just got tired of sitting in this room feeling sick and depressed for not expressing myself for who I really am. And lately, I have been realizing things, great things, that will change my life. The first thing I have learned came from you, the part about actually “feeling things” and “participating” in life. I am learning that, because all my life I felt I was participating, but now I realized that I wasn’t. I realized that I only was pretending to. See, I didn’t actually feel things, and when I did feel things, I didn’t let it show because I thought that wasn’t the way I was suppose to act. Well now I am wiser and I really don’t care anymore, because they way I feel right now is a feeling I don’t ever want to feel again. So now I will begin to live life and feel the way I want to feel, fuck society and it’s standards, life is to short. The next thing I learned is to never give up on what I want to accomplish or be. I want to be a writer. I always feel that I am being ignored, and I feel that writing is the only way people will hear me. So becoming a writer is my solution to not being ignored. I also want to do something in the future involving technology. I like robotics, it is really fun and I get to meet new people and that is cool. Charlie, I don’t like feeling alone, I don’t like it at all. It is not fun and it makes me do stupid things like watch porn or hurt myself. I don’t want those things to ruin me. I just want to be listened to and understood. I want someone here with me, to talk to me, to listen, respond and love me. I want a special relationship where I won’t be judged, but I won’t be easily persuaded. I want a person there for me like Mary Elizabeth has like a person who debates with her on subjects, a relationship like brad and patricks that was mysterious and one like you and sam, one that is blooming. I want that in a person and I want them to make me feel not alone anymore. Why can’t I have that huh, why. I don’t know, but whenever you get the chance, please respond. I love you Charlie and I really miss you.

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