Wednesday, May 28, 2014

You Say Faults In Our Stars, I Say Fears In Our Hearts!

As you can tell from the title, I have been reading the book The Faults in Our Stars by John Green. This book to me is really wonderful and extraordinary. When I had first heard of it, it took me into dream mode because the faults in our stars did come from the Shakespeare, who I sometimes often disagree with. But when I began reading this book, it made me appreciate the faults I have in my life, and how they are not as bad as others are out in the world. 

I learned to appreciate what the stars, I shall say, has given me. Further more, the book, as I am not finished reading yet, is rather humorous and youthful. You can sorta see how the love develops between the two cancer-sicken teenagers, who obviously don't let the faults in their stars run their lives. With Augusta's metaphor of taking a cigarette and putting it between his teeth, but not giving it the power to kill you is extremely admirable. It makes you want to smack yourself for all the things you let take control of your life, and find a new way of helping to not let it kill you!

But for Hazel, it is much more of fear. The fear of hurting Augusta and the fear of dying and possibly the fear of oblivion. When I read from her perspective, I get a sense of joy, but also a sense of her feeling guilty because she has cancer and that affects everything she does and lives for. As I continue reading, I feel that it has more to do with the fears in her heart than the faults in her stars! Even though her fault is cancer and she may feel that because she has it, she can't do many things, but most of that is fear more than it is about cancer. She has the fear in her heart to give Augusta her full heart, without hurting him because she is sick and because she is AFRAID to die. She feels sad and guilty about having cancer because it makes her dad cry a lot! 

Her only sense of knowledge comes from a book she reads called An Imperial Affliction which her curiosity brings her to wonder about life after death, not spiritually, but life wise.

Reading this book is eye opening. It makes me wonder about the things I fear and the things I do in this life. For example, one of Augusta's fears in the book is Oblivion. Well I also fear Oblivion because the though of being forgotten just scares the hell out of me. But it is good that it does, because now that gives me a reason to do something that will make me remembered, It will force me to do greater things and do what I was purposely out on this earth to do. Even if I am still unsure of what that is, I think I have a idea in mind. 

If you haven't read this book, you should, It may do wonders for your life in ways you may have never thought. I'm going to finish reading now, till next time, chou!


Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Get Some Comedy In Your Life!

Okay, so one of the things I love about myself and this world is the humor. The amount of people in this society that just carries itself with humor and sarcasm that brings joy to others face. I just love it so much.
One of the things I like to watch that makes me laugh is Vines. My favorite is the one with shaq and the cat as they have a wiggle battle. (See gif below)

I just want others to know to put some humor in your life. Don't take life so serious all the time, because if you do, and work and work and work to get to where you are, you won't know how to enjoy the life you have. You must enjoy life and have a balance. It is the only way to live. I know that from experience because I was that person that worked and worked and worked and worked and never had fun. So when it came time for me to relax and chill out, I didn't know how to because it wasn't a norm for me. And so I kept telling everyone I didn't know how to relax and they would look at me like I was crazy.

So my mom set me a psychiatrist appointment and we went and he told me to have a balance in life between work and fun (my psychiatrist gives some really good advice). So that is what I am doing. I am having fun. But having fun doesn't mean having to go buck wild and forget about everything I have worked hard for. It means have fun while working, you know, make the best of the situations we get ourselves into. So just give it a try.

Right now things in my life seem fine. And I don't know how long it's going to last. But I'm not going to sit here and worry about how long. I just going to live in the moment, which is something I haven't done in a long time. So I am going with the flow, accepting and confronting the challenges that come my way. I know that I may face many in the future, but its make or break me and I choose the outcome for myself.
And So Do You!

So just for fun, I am giving you a bunch of these crazy hilarious weird gifs:

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

To Moving On....

So for this blog, I presented my personal project last Friday. And my grade for it was an 87. So I think I did rather well. My effort to it was good, but I think I could have done better. But now that I got that over with, I am so happy to be free of thinking straight. Right now I feel that things have changed and that I have become full awakened.

The change took place after I wrote down how I was feeling. As I reflected upon what I was stressing about, I told myself to chill out and to relax. People were telling me to stop worrying about things out of my control and for the first time, I had listened. I felt that I wasn't worrying about college, or how I was going to take care of my mom in this future. I don't know what the future is going to be like, but I pray that I can reside myself in it and live happily.

So now, I feel happy and I am not stressed out about anything. I do things calmly, not worrying and over thinking things. I am just living in the moment, which is something I haven't been doing in a while. But now I am, and it feels good. I feel like a free bird that finally took a leap of faith and learned to fly.

Last weekend, I was volunteering for the Maryland Film Festival and I seen a lot of movies and met a lot of nice people. I felt like an adult and they treated me like one. I felt so free and independent and it felt really good. I got to see three movies, that were really really good. It made me feel like I belonged where I was. What I was seeing on the screen was like what I though everyday in my mind. And it was weird just seen my everyday thoughts on the screen, but it also felt really comfortable. I got to meet some of the filmmakers and I got some of their business cards. Definitely going to think about screen writing as a career.

Summer is almost here, School is almost out of session and I can't wait for it to all be over. This summer is going to be exciting, I can feel it! Hope the same goes for you, express with you next week! Tootles.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Treatment Diagnosis: MDD

So it is true. I have been diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder. I never truly knew what was wrong with me. All I really knew was that something was wrong.

The panic attacks are becoming daily know. I have been trying my best not to freak out at the fact that everything is fine. It doesn't feel like it is fine. It just feels like something is about to go tremendously wrong.

I have to give my therapists reports of when I have these attacks so that is fun. I also have been being sorta antisocial. I have been avoiding my friends, and sometimes my family. My diet has changed, meaning I don't have a appetite for anything anymore, except for lots of hot tamales and peanut chews.

I know I am being honest about my life, but I feel that I am being straightforward with you, because I want you to know my struggle and how I deal with myself and how it influences my writing.

When I talked to my therapist yesterday, she told me that I should really start writing those ideas I have into short stories and I think I will. I would have posted them, but I also have trust issues!

For any of you struggling with depression, anxiety, or any mental disability for that matter, I just want you to know that one day it will get better. The next day will be better than the last, and it takes time to get back to feeling normal. Lord knows I have a way to go, but I'm trying none the least. I'm trying to inform others and give them the opportunity to give input for me.

I was reading this book the other day called "Thirteen Reasons Why". It is really good so far, and one quote that I remember from it that I liked is, "In the End, Everything Matters.". It made me think a lot about the people who influenced who I am today, in some good ways and bad ones. I just want to say thanks for all you do. You didn't have to meet me or ever talk to me, but somehow we did and I really appreciate ever knowing you and what I gained from you.

In conclusion, I now feel that I hold no regrets and neither should you. Cause life is not about "what if?", it's about what you do now! It is about the relationships you make with people and others. It doesn't matter how you make those connection, it just matters that you!

And with this day forward, I have started writing a book called daydreams. This book will capture all the day dreams I have had in the present and in the future. I am starting this because I feel that it can help me to distinguish what really happened and what didn't in my life. I think I need that because I can't really remember my past that much. It's not there, it's all a blur. But today is about the future, not the past, so I am building something that in the future can make a lifetime. Hope you can do the same.

Just always remember when you write, write with a purpose, it doesn't even have to be to someone, just write what you feel and God will guide you. And if you are not religious, then whatever floats you boat will drift you ashore, when you least expect it, but also when you need it the most.