Friday, March 28, 2014

Today Will Haunt Me For The Rest Of My Life

I know that today is not Wednesday, but I just need to get this out and out it somewhere. Today I something so ridiculous and violent that it made me want to scream and cry of fury. This girl at my school got physically abused and jumped by a group or click of kids from another school. Now I knew this girl, I would sometimes call her my daughter, but anyway, she got jumped. Now the way it started was when these group of kids came back from the previous journey they had come for after chasing someone. Well on their way back to wherever they were going, they decided to start messing with some of my school's peers. They just wanted to start trouble.

So this leader or this loud ass guy in the group starting stuff with people begins to talk to this girl I knew. He was insulting her and all kinds of things. I wasn't really listening but all of a sudden, I hear him call for someone and then I see a girl and another girl coming towards me. She jumps on the back of the bench and then she jumps on the girl and starts fighting her. Then the group of boys just start helping her. They were tugging her and then afterwards, they walked away and left her on the ground. They took her phone and began walking down the hill like they were proud of what they did. But like two of the guys from the group were hanging back. So the girl gets up off the ground and goes over to her friend to ask if she could use her phone to look at herself to see if she is bleeding or anything. So she looks at herself and sees that she is not, but she sees bruises about to appear.

Then she is about to use the phone she got from her friend to call the police. But the guys lingering back call back to the group and tell them that her friend is trying to call the cops. So the group looks back to the lingering guys to finish the job. The guys lingering are still there. The friend and the girl then are about to cross the street when the guys lingering snatch the friends phone and join the group back that is walking down the hill. The girls then start heading to go back up the hill to the school to report the incident. Then the late ass police show up and the kids began to leave. Everyone who witnessed it gets on the bus and stays silent.

But not me. When I get on te bus, my uncle is the bus driver so I began to tell him what happened. My body is in grave shock so it's still shaking from the incident. I vent out my emotions of fury and hurt but also guilt. I feel fury and anger because first of all, these kids are bullies and picking on someone who is younger than them. This girl is a freshman. That is so wrong that that happened to her. I was mad at the fact that they were starting stuff with random people. Everybody was minding their own business until they showed up fucking with people. Ugh, that just makes me mad. It shows how kids just have so much time on their hands that they do dumb stuff to get attention. I was hurt because I felt bad for the girl who didn't deserve none of that. She was just chilling, laughing with her friends and just so happen to get into a situation she had no idea was coming. And that is where guilt comes in. Guilt for not helping or trying to defend and stand up for that girl. I know that if I did, I would have probably gotten beaten up, but it is the thought that counts, I can't stress that enough. I feel bad because as much as I wanted to help, I couldn't because I felt so helpless and defenseless. I don't even know if I would have the stability to defend myself, let alone defend another physically.

All I know is that the whole situation that occur really opened my eyes to the many dangers that happen daily. Someone gets hurt or robbed or even worse killed and there is nothing they can do about it. The situation is out of your control. All we can do is pray or hope. Pray that things get better and that that girl isn't hurt and that she will be okay. Pray for those who committed the action for they need guidance and a soul to feel guilt and regret. And hope that things will improve and that people will change. Hope that one day those bastards will get what they deserve. Just hope that you or anyone you love is ever put in that kind of situation. That is all you can do!

This event will playback in my brain for many years. It has made me well aware of my settings and how I need to be able to defend myself when the time comes. I need to find some reassurance that things will get better. I need to know that this event won't kill me by stress and anxiety, but in turn make me stronger. I only hope and pray so.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Mental Instability

This week has been so nerve wrecking. This Monday, I had a mental breakdown, which basically means I had a stress overload where I took on more than I could handle and it just stressed my body to the point of mental instability. I recently a couple of weeks ago began doing Badminton. I tried out to because I wanted to become active again because I haven't been since Soccer and that was like last fall. Anyway, I joined this sport thinking it wouldn't be so much time consuming, BUT I WAS WRONG! Badminton is actually time consuming. Practice is everyday after school. I was like "Omg, What the hell did I just do?"

I knew that I had gone too far, so I tried to get out of it before it started. So that week, I went down to coaches office and I tried to tell him that I could play Badminton anymore. But this girl on the team as I told her my situation told me that the reason for leaving wasn't a good enough excuse. This made me feel like an asshole because she went on about her doing IB and still doing a sport. So me of course said , "If she can do it, Why can't I? So I stayed on the team and kept going to practice. Then more stuff started to occur, more events were demanding. I had to after school clubs, I had homework and then I had service learning hours plus YAR to think about. I already had a full plate and adding Badminton to it was just too much for my tummy. 

So Monday, as I was on my way to school, this feeling of stress just sat with me. On my shoulders, there was so much weight that my body couldn't uptake. I felt like I was going to faint. So as soon as we got to the school, I got off the #22 bus and walked up the hill very slowly. It was about 10 minutes late to class and that was the last thing on my mind. My hands began to shake and my body grew weak, except for my eyes. My eyes were small, and I could hardly see. I felt like I had asian eyes because I had to squint to see and that really strained my eyes. So as I entered the building, I went straight to guidance, not first period but to Ms. Anderson in guidance. Someone was in her room, but of course as usual, the person was babbling about something. I waited until the person left to go in. As I sat there, My eyes began to run like rivers flow. The wouldn't stop.

I could feel myself resisting the tears from falling, but part of me just wanted to let them do because that was the only way that stress was going to come out. So I sat there and told her why I was so stressed. I was stressed about school, about my family and about my future. I was stressed on the many things I should not even be thinking about right now. I was stressed about how I was going to be committed to all these things and not be a unreliable person. I was stressed on what college major I was going to take and how I was going to pay for college so I could take care of my mom in the future. I was stressed about getting a job so I could help my mom with the bills. All this stuff was weight on my shoulders and the last thing I realized was that none of that stuff benefited me at all. Nothing, not one single thing. The reliability was for others, the money for others, the support for others. I had realized I wasn't living my life, OTHERS WERE!

I needed to find some support and guidance in myself. I needed to hear something, to figure out or get some clarity on what to do in this situation. So I asked people, I go other people's opinions and this is what I got:

  1. Sometimes you have to be selfish. You have to say no sometimes and think about you because if you don't, you will over commit and that will put me in the situation I am in now.
  2. Think about one goal at a time. The goal I should be focusing on now is to gradutate high school. Not paying bills, or worrying about how others think of me, I should focused on what I want to be and try to achieve getting to the next level. 
  3. Don't explain yourself to people. If you have your reasons for something and someone tells you that the reason is not good enough, walk the hell away and don't respond. They are not you. They don't have to live your life or feel what you feel. They don't walk in your shoes. Your reasons are just as important and good enough because they are yours, not that other critical person. 
  4. If you don't care about it that much, it probably isn't worth your time!
  5. This brings me to my final point which is the clarity I have gotten from others. Saying and Doing are two very different things. You can tell a person to stop worrying. But the action is what really counts and it is not that easy to do, especially for me.
 I can't just let something go because I feel that I should be committed to it once I begin it. If I let it go, I will feel like I am not a reliable person and that others will tell that to important people when it is time for me to go places. I don't want others to think of me that way, that is why I feel I have to do everything, cease every opportunity that comes my way because I feel that if I don't grasp it, I'll never have it and then that will cause me to resent others for it. I don't want that to happen. I love people and care too much for that to happen. I just want to know that others support me and encourage me to be all that I can be. I need to know and hear people tell me that I am a reliable person and that I am a dedicated person. I just don't want to feel bad about this anymore. I want to be happy again. 

So for the rest of this week, I will continue to use the luck of the Irish that is being given to me by God. I haven't had anything hard come by me yet, but maybe its slowly coming. Hopefully, I'll be back to normal soon. Goodbye, never mind, I hate goodbyes, talk to you later!

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

My Research Analysis

Achieving The Goal
Make sure to address the following:

1. Evaluation the outcome of your project against your own criteria for success that you determined at the beginning of this process.  Were you successful or not?  Be specific about why or why not.

2. Did your criteria for success change at any time during this process? Be specific about why or why not.

My outcome for this project was has been totally against the success I planned when I started. I couldn't decide what I actually wanted to do for this project and I changed my topic several time. In the beginning, I had planned to make three products, one of a musical piece, one creative piece, and one visual piece. I had thought it would be so easy, but it became difficult after a while. Then I actually went and read what the personal project should be about, so I switched my project to creative writing. Ever since, it has been so easy for me.

I think now that I am somewhat successful in my personal project because I feel I am close to accomplishing it. The way it is set up is that all my work and product is in a blog. The only thing I would feel I need to improve on is the views for the website. I need that the most because that will help to spread the vulnerability I am giving away for people to see. But being successful wise, I think I am doing very well. My topics relate to my research paper and sometimes they don’t. But I always try to make sure that they do.

My criteria for this project as I said before changed many times. It changed from me wanting to photography, to going to the creative arts, and then lastly changing to creative writing. My sources needed to be changed, my note cards had to be changed. But it was all worth it. I had to go and find new information about the new topic. I used some books, songs, and poetry as sources and I used some blogs as sources. I think my project is finally on the criteria I see it for in finishing in the end.

I think that I still have much to do. I still have to finish on the improvements of the blog and I have to get more people interacting with the blog. I need a hook to grab people’s attention. I think that is my only challenge in criteria now, which is what will get my peers interested. I think once I get them interested, I can get them to see how I manage my life as a struggling teen who hate judgement and wants people to be who they are despite what others think or tell them. I want my project to be great. Hopefully it will.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

The Personal Project

Hello Readers, It is time for more explanation of my expression. The personal project I am a doing plays a major role in this blog. It is the reason I created it.

The Personal Project is this reflection of what I have been learning in school for the middle years of high school. For this project, I must express something related to the elements of the areas of interaction. The areas of interaction include:
  • Approaches to Learning
  • Health and Social Education
  • Environments
  • Community and Service
  • Human Ingenuity
Anyway, I had to do a product for this project, which is this blog, that I will continue after the project ends of course. But for now, I want to help influence my peers on all of the ways they can have fin as teenagers and express themselves by not being judged, but instead listened to and appreciated for it. Blogging Creative Writing is my answer.

My Research paper is to be composed of many musicians, poets and authors.

  1. For Musicians, I will use:
    • Rise Against - Make It Stop
    • Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are
    • N.W.A. - Express Yourself
  2. For Poets, I will use: 
    • Lloyd Schwartz - To My Oldest Friend, Whose Silence is like Death
    • Prageeta Sharma - Legacy
    • Anna Waldman - Allegorical Baraka 
  3. And For Authors
    • Stephen Chbosky - The Perks of Being A Wallflower
    • J.D. Salinger - The Catcher in the Rye
    • Ray Bradbury - Fahrenheit 4451
This should be interesting right?