Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Mental Instability

This week has been so nerve wrecking. This Monday, I had a mental breakdown, which basically means I had a stress overload where I took on more than I could handle and it just stressed my body to the point of mental instability. I recently a couple of weeks ago began doing Badminton. I tried out to because I wanted to become active again because I haven't been since Soccer and that was like last fall. Anyway, I joined this sport thinking it wouldn't be so much time consuming, BUT I WAS WRONG! Badminton is actually time consuming. Practice is everyday after school. I was like "Omg, What the hell did I just do?"

I knew that I had gone too far, so I tried to get out of it before it started. So that week, I went down to coaches office and I tried to tell him that I could play Badminton anymore. But this girl on the team as I told her my situation told me that the reason for leaving wasn't a good enough excuse. This made me feel like an asshole because she went on about her doing IB and still doing a sport. So me of course said , "If she can do it, Why can't I? So I stayed on the team and kept going to practice. Then more stuff started to occur, more events were demanding. I had to after school clubs, I had homework and then I had service learning hours plus YAR to think about. I already had a full plate and adding Badminton to it was just too much for my tummy. 

So Monday, as I was on my way to school, this feeling of stress just sat with me. On my shoulders, there was so much weight that my body couldn't uptake. I felt like I was going to faint. So as soon as we got to the school, I got off the #22 bus and walked up the hill very slowly. It was about 10 minutes late to class and that was the last thing on my mind. My hands began to shake and my body grew weak, except for my eyes. My eyes were small, and I could hardly see. I felt like I had asian eyes because I had to squint to see and that really strained my eyes. So as I entered the building, I went straight to guidance, not first period but to Ms. Anderson in guidance. Someone was in her room, but of course as usual, the person was babbling about something. I waited until the person left to go in. As I sat there, My eyes began to run like rivers flow. The wouldn't stop.

I could feel myself resisting the tears from falling, but part of me just wanted to let them do because that was the only way that stress was going to come out. So I sat there and told her why I was so stressed. I was stressed about school, about my family and about my future. I was stressed on the many things I should not even be thinking about right now. I was stressed about how I was going to be committed to all these things and not be a unreliable person. I was stressed on what college major I was going to take and how I was going to pay for college so I could take care of my mom in the future. I was stressed about getting a job so I could help my mom with the bills. All this stuff was weight on my shoulders and the last thing I realized was that none of that stuff benefited me at all. Nothing, not one single thing. The reliability was for others, the money for others, the support for others. I had realized I wasn't living my life, OTHERS WERE!

I needed to find some support and guidance in myself. I needed to hear something, to figure out or get some clarity on what to do in this situation. So I asked people, I go other people's opinions and this is what I got:

  1. Sometimes you have to be selfish. You have to say no sometimes and think about you because if you don't, you will over commit and that will put me in the situation I am in now.
  2. Think about one goal at a time. The goal I should be focusing on now is to gradutate high school. Not paying bills, or worrying about how others think of me, I should focused on what I want to be and try to achieve getting to the next level. 
  3. Don't explain yourself to people. If you have your reasons for something and someone tells you that the reason is not good enough, walk the hell away and don't respond. They are not you. They don't have to live your life or feel what you feel. They don't walk in your shoes. Your reasons are just as important and good enough because they are yours, not that other critical person. 
  4. If you don't care about it that much, it probably isn't worth your time!
  5. This brings me to my final point which is the clarity I have gotten from others. Saying and Doing are two very different things. You can tell a person to stop worrying. But the action is what really counts and it is not that easy to do, especially for me.
 I can't just let something go because I feel that I should be committed to it once I begin it. If I let it go, I will feel like I am not a reliable person and that others will tell that to important people when it is time for me to go places. I don't want others to think of me that way, that is why I feel I have to do everything, cease every opportunity that comes my way because I feel that if I don't grasp it, I'll never have it and then that will cause me to resent others for it. I don't want that to happen. I love people and care too much for that to happen. I just want to know that others support me and encourage me to be all that I can be. I need to know and hear people tell me that I am a reliable person and that I am a dedicated person. I just don't want to feel bad about this anymore. I want to be happy again. 

So for the rest of this week, I will continue to use the luck of the Irish that is being given to me by God. I haven't had anything hard come by me yet, but maybe its slowly coming. Hopefully, I'll be back to normal soon. Goodbye, never mind, I hate goodbyes, talk to you later!

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