Wednesday, January 29, 2014

A New Opportunity

I have began writing a new book. I actually started on New Years Day, but still it's new. I'm making a non-fiction fantasy. I know that isn't a category, but hey, I can start a new one if I want! Anyway, some of this will be true and the other half will not be, but part me would want it to be. Anyway this is the Introduction and the Prologue in one. Enjoy!

Every year, I find something to change about myself. It is usually because I did something bad that or because I sexted that year when I promised myself I would never do it again. Well this New Year will be different. This New Year will be the start of someone who is not afraid to say what she wants to say, do what she wants to do and be what she wants to be without any care of prejudice though from others. Society has lost that basic right from me. I will no longer be the person who everyone expected me to be. I will be stronger and wiser. I will be the girl who will not try to avoid the inevitable. I will face it will courage and know that anything that gets in my way will just be another test from God. My sudden faith in humanity is falling, but since God put hope on this earth, I must find it within myself to try and hold on. I know that if I do change into this person I describe then the people I love feelings will be hurt. They will be hurt because they will get nothing from me but love and brutal honesty. I’m done with the lying and the trying to be who I am not. This New Year, I will find out who I am. Better yet, I will live who I am. I think the search for finding who I am is over. I have to stop using that as an excuse for my fear of opening up and letting someone in.

The fact of the matter is, I have realized I am alone, whether I want to be or not. I mean, I know I have family, I know I have friends, but the one thing I know I will never have is the one to see me for me. I know that I will never have that because the person I am about to become will give her brutal honesty in which she will not allow for that. She might be one of those hypocrites who can dish it but cannot take it, meaning I will flirt and all of that, but I will never truly let a person in. I have experienced too much hurt for that. The person who I am now has had her many times of being nice and kind and experiencing weakness, but God did not put me on this world to be just a mutant. I must talk; I must be outspoken and loud, and not afraid to let the world hear my voice, shouting out loud. My words are my token out of this place, this identity, this life that I live right now. And so when the clock strike twelve on that New Year’s Eve Day, I will shout them gladly because I know the person who I will become will be extraordinary, not just for me, but for the world. 
I know that I might lose some people, and some friends, and something important to me, but I know that I must be who I am, and for those who will not accept the new me, then it will be their loss. I love God and I thank him for his giving of the lord for my life and it is time for me to not try and be like Jesus, but to learn from him. I know that as my birth of being a Virgo, my perfection causes me to not have fun and live. That will change, because what I will be perfecting will be my life. I know that finding that thing that makes me myself is still out there, and I do not know if it will be writing. Writing is just a form. I have learned that it is what I am writing about that will lead me to be who I want and should be. What I write about will define and probably be used at my funeral when I pass, but they will be my words of wisdom. To know that I can be what I want to be and that anything is possible by the miracles of God, I am glad. To be able to feel my joy, I just want to tell others that change is possible and the main thing to know when trying to accomplish it is to take action. You can say many great things, but to do great things is the goal. 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Thought: Young the Wiser!

Today's post will be consisted of two journal entries I did in my ninth grade year. I know what most of you are thinking (why does she keep referring to her ninth grade year). Dude, I'm only a tenth grader so chillax. Anyways, I wrote these two entries in Geometry class. I created this series called "Socio" and these were the first two that I wrote. Dedicated to Ms. Saio, for causing me write these topics because of her class being a little bit boring. 
Death is always there. He is just there, waiting for his next victim. But death can be unexpecting sometimes. I would say death isn't the worst part, it’s the person who causes the death, and sometimes I’m afraid one day that will be me. One day I’m gonna kill and I won’t be able to forgive myself. I will feel guilty and guilty everyday until eventually I kill myself. When I killed myself, I killed 2 people, because I am a soul + the soul I had taken. I’m afraid that I will die and go to the gates of heaven and God will banish me to hell. You can only forgive someone but so much. I know God is all knowing and forgiving, but sometimes I wonder about that. If God is all knowing, why does he tempt me knowing I am going to fail. Does he want me to change, or something different happen from what he planned. I don’t know if it ever happened before, but maybe there is a possibility. I wonder if God forgives you if you commit suicide. If I was to ever commit suicide, I would meet death, and go on my way to either Heaven or Hell.
Although lying is a sin, everyone does it. One time even, you've done it. See the thing about lying is that I fucking hate it. It is deceitful and negative, and also a building block of stories. You have to keep building and building up and thinking of things other than the truth. I’m not going to say I don’t lie, because I do sometimes, but it’s only because I’m afraid sometimes to say no or stick up for myself. For example, if a person lets say didn't do their homework and asks for mine, I would say I didn't do it either or sometimes often, I would say no. But I fucking hate when people don’t do their work, then want to use your work and get credit. Do your fucking work, I’m not your fucking answer buddy. That fucking heats my skin. I wouldn't say lying is a bad thing in the case of trying not to be hurtful, but hey the truth shall set you free. But some would say that some can’t handle the truth. Here is where I stand on the situation, the truth is always better. It brings out a sense of who you are. Even if the truth is brutal and heartfelt, it’s better than lying. Lying never helps you, because it will always come back and make you fall on your face.  

Now even though they may seem dark, they do have everyday feelings that most people experience daily. The anger that you build up from that person you dislike a lot makes you relate to the first entry. I don't know how many of you follow a religion, but if you do, I wonder the same things you do. Anyway the first is kinds influenced by the book Fences by August Wilson. My first period was English so I had to read it before my second period with Ms. Saio. The main character Troy, challenges death in the book and I guess the idea never left my head.

For the second entry, this was influenced by a poster in Ms. Saio room also. I was trying to balance the pros and cons of lying but t I don't think there are any good pros of it. I conclude with saying that lying never solves anything and that is what I always keep in mind. The truth can be a brutal thing, but we must face the facts that they help us to become wiser and not make the same mistakes that we once did. Hope you can gain something from that. Adios!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Where Do I Belong?

This is one of my favorite creative pieces. I am also thinking about using some of this in my research paper. I wrote this while I was working over the summer. I was just so fed up with seeing social media making me feel bad. You know, all the pretty skinny models. It just made me so mad. This is what I produced out of that anger. (Warning: Content Below Contains Strong Language. Readers Discretion is Advised.)

Where Do I Belong?
Society today makes us want to be something we know is not us. For instance “Physical Appearance” is a big example. Society makes us see these conformity things on television: Being pretty, skinny, and successful. For the people who aren't, they see it as a sign of change like “I Need To Become That! Society makes you feel that if you are not pretty, skinny and successful, you are nothing but ugly, fat, and a failure. So it’s up to you to conform and stand out! You can stay and love the way you are or you could become something else and let society control your brain. And if you don’t, they make you feel sad for not being able to fit In that dress, run a mile without stopping and eating without gaining weight. You feel like shit if you can’t. But all I have to say to society is “Fuck Off” and “Fuck You”. This is where I am. I belong here in whatever I’m comfortable with. No matter if I am pretty, ugly, fat, skinny, dumb, or smart, I Am Me! I will always be forever and always. Who cares what others think, be you. Remember No one but God can judge you. Just be you. Sing in public, Scream to the top of your freaking lungs, Dance ridiculously, who cares! Love who you are, live while you can and laugh your ass off around the country! That’s my opinion, choose to follow or not, JUST BE YOU!!!
 I think the advice that I am trying to give people it that being different is okay. Along the way, you will find others who are just like you and eventually you'll start to become your own individual. It is okay that you don't look like those girls in the magazine, even the girl in the magazine doesn't look like that. I just want for you to be who you are because that is what makes you unique in this world. Don't conform to some standards that people created to be judgmental or critical, be yourself. And what I am not saying is that no one will judge you, cause they will, but even when they do, remember who you are and why you chose to become that. Because in the end, you won't die alone, you'll die with the spirits that carried you along the way. Bliss!

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Moments of Clarity:Childish Humor!

Moments of Clarity. God do I love Moments of Clarity. These are the time where things that make sense really hit you. I would know because I have had my fair share of moments with clarity. Want to hear one? Of course you don't, but you have no choice, now do you!

1. My first moment of clarity since being in high school was when I was in the ninth grade. I was just adjusting in and things were a little tough. I felt like I didn't know who I was and what I should do with my life. So I started paying attention to the things that I was learning, especially in humanities. When we started to actually start on the unit where we discussed religion, I was so interested to hear about the different cultures and how they have faith. I think Buddhism is my favorite one. I mean the concept of suffering being the only way for you to gain happiness just goes so much with reality. I loved this concept so much that I actually wrote it down to make sense of incident that happened. It might be a little exaggerate but hey in 9th grade, I can say that I was a little naive.This is what I said:

Life Is Suffering:

It was the end of school and I had just gotten on the 22 bus. I got off the bus a couple stops later to go to waverly elementary to teach photography. I then realized that I had left my wallet on the bus. I was devastated. I couldn't get home cause my bus pass was in my wallet. My everything was in that wallet. So later my friend Ms. Julie gave me a full day bus pass to get home; I love her. Anyway the next day in my humanities class, I was learning about Buddhism. I was learning of the four noble truths:

1. Life is Suffering

2. Suffering has a Cause: DESIRE

3. Suffering can be Overcomed

4. To overcome, follow the Eightfold Path

I thought about this concept a lot and It was sinking into my mind. So as I was leaving school, I was on the bus and I realized that Life is Suffering. Every situation is a bad or negative on for me. I just was hiding behind a smile to fool society into thinking I was okay. I wasn't. I have to suffer. But I know that I had already suffered and struggled in foster care, so the it hit me. I realized through all that suffering, I did overcome it to get to my happy life. I don't know if I actually had followed the eightfold path, but I knew I was happy. I knew that in order for me to end my suffering, I needed to suffer. All that in a minute, it's just Life in a Epiphany. One second or minute is all it takes. "

Wow, that was humorous to me. I swear for that entire next week, I told everyone I was a Christian Buddhist (laughing to myself). I don't even think I knew exactly what that meant but at that time, I don't think I really cared. All I knew was that in my time on this earth, I had suffered and that there was nothing wrong with that because it made me happy. And still to this day I think you do need suffering and to struggle because that is the only way the truth will reveal itself to you. That is the purpose of having those moments of clarity. I have many more moments of clarity that I will share along the way, but until then, try to see it from my perspective and see what you get out of it.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Defining the Blog: The Purpose!

I started this blog because I am using it for my personal project. I am doing my topic on Creative writing and what better way to express that than through a blog. Basically True Word Outspoken is saying that here I can be very vulnerable and that is the whole perspective I am trying to give out. I want what I feel to be heard by others and not just ignored as somebody's act of rambling. These words I speak are words that matter. They are words that I can use to speak out what I feel and what emotions I am going through. They are here for the simple fact to impact someone's life. The truth is what matters because I am tired of hiding behind something I am not. I'm not this girl who has everything planned out and is ready to grow up. I am not this girl who knows everything and always does great in school. I am not a girl who parties a lot and does things just because of peer pressure. And most importantly, I am not the girl who lets others take advantage of her because she is kind. I am me. And being myself means being the girl who doesn't follow rules easily.

I am the girl who is very weird and thinks about random things in everyday moments. I am the girl who doesn't have it all together and like every three seconds I freak out about a future that doesn't exist yet. I am not the girl who studies everyday and does her homework when she should. Most of the time, I do my homework in the school, in the previous period on the day it is due. I am the girl who just wastes time on this computer everyday trying to find something interesting to occupy my time. I don't go to parties, I don't go outside that much. And when I do, I go the inner harbor or to a book store because I like books. And the ironic thing about it is, I don't even read half the books that I get. They just sit on my bookshelf until the day I feel spontaneous enough to pick one of them up and read it. The fact is, I am a weirdo and a geek and maybe even a nerd because I like to read books for fun. But hey, it doesn't matter because I am me. And I have friends and family who support me because of being myself. I know that they will always be there to help me make the right decisions. And I will always know that they will support me no matter what!

Being my true self has led me to be the person I am today. I have worked my (excuse my language) ass off to get to where I need to be. It is hard trying to worry and help others when you put your life on hold to do so. But the time has come for my to focus on me. I am left with trying to express who I am to the world and if some of my kindness loses its place, then I am sorry. For as long as I can remember, people have always taken my kindness for weakness, but I am so sick of it, that it has cause me to be sarcastic and outspoken. There is no longer that girl who feels the need to say sorry to everything that happens. There is no longer the girl who sit there and says nothing when someone says something about her that makes her mad. I will speak up and defend myself now, because I have an identity, and I am a person. And I know I might be different and odd from others, but that is the best part about me because it makes me a creative genius. It is where all my humor and sarcasm that you laugh to comes from. It is me.

So this blog is to express who I am to the world, and to all those who feel that same about who they are. This is for me to tell other my experiences and hope that some gain knowledge from my past clarities or feelings. This is where I will my creativity at. All my poetry and creative pieces can be seen her also. I will post every Wednesday of every week. And I ask for your feedback on what you think. So Thanks for reading and enjoy! And if you so happen to have a question, just email me!

Happy New Year!!!!!!

Going into a new year and into a fresh start!
Do More in the New Year!
Achieve More!