Sunday, July 6, 2014

I just hope it lasts!

But It Can Have Its Consequences!

Inspiration isn’t often hard to find. It comes around when it feels like it, or when it is needed. You find it out of the simplest things, and sometimes out of your dreams. It can be annoying sometimes and right when you’re about to go to sleep, it comes. It forces you to type it up or write it down and when that happens, it begins. The stress, the force of having to do it because if you don’t, you won’t remember. And so you would rather be up all night and tired the next day than to let that one idea go, because deep down inside, one day that idea could make you worth something. And that is all you want. You want to be known, you want someone you don’t know to know your name. You want to be stopped by a stranger and thanked for changing someone’s lives because of your book. You want to know that you matter to someone. Sure, who doesn’t want that, everyone does. But what makes you qualified? How do you know that you could handle that kind of pressure? How do you know that you’re not going to break down everytime it gets too stressful? What are you going to do?

I don’t know. But all I can be sure of is that I am trying my best to live a life that will make me happy. As much as I want to make others happy, I have to make sure I am happy. All my life, I have forgotten that responsibility comes when needed. It has a time and a purpose. Right now, everything is good and I don’t know how long that is going to last. But for right now, I don’t care because i just want to enjoy it. Not just sit around and wait for it all to crumble down. I have been waiting for this moment, this summer, this feeling for as long as I can remember, and when it finally showed up, I had no idea how to feel. I felt that is was wrong, that is wasn’t okay to feel this way. I felt that it was too good to be true. But then it all was okay because I knew it would be. I had plans and I knew that as soon as those were over, I would have the time to discover who I was. I would have the chance to do what I wanted, to be who I truly was.

And I was. The smiles, the faces, the feelings and emotions that were spoken to me though actions were all worth while. I took a trip to another place and it felt good to get away. It felt wonderful not having to take care of those I knew could handle themselves. It felt good not to have to worry about something. I knew everything was okay and I was fine. No anxiety, No breakdowns and no crying when I didn’t want to. I didn’t have to pretend, or be ashamed of who I really was. I could express myself and be myself and just doing that made me feel human. It made me feel apart of something. It made me matter. And the fact that I could feel that way was phenomenal. And the thing is, I didn’t even need to have an idea to do it. Because I didn’t have to hide, to create some other character that would describe how I felt. I could be myself. And it felt good.

I just hope it lasts.

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