Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Journal Entries

Did I ever mention that I have a journal. Well I do and before you all go off calling it a diary, It's not! I just think that a person needs to write down what they feel. This journal keep me in tact and I write in it daily. I write about my home situation, my personal life and just other stuff. I think I am getting to a point in this blog where I feel I need to get Vulnerable. I mean isn't that what makes things interesting. So I will discuss in detail some of the private things of my life. They might seen embarrassing but it's my life. So here we go.

So in the journal basically I am describing my transitioning process. I have just moved up the street from my old neighborhood into a new house. This time I have my own room, which gives me the right to my own privacy. (Hallelujah, Thank the Lord!) Anyway, with the moving, it made everything for me busy because I had to make time for my mom while also trying to balance doing schoolwork. This caused me to lose focus with my own life, I was losing touch with my friends and getting very mad at my family. So I began to zone out. I was losing hope in myself, in my writing and I didn't want to talk about it with anyone, so I wrote it down. I have a therapist, but she doesn't help much. She just sits there and asks me how I feel about this and that. Since that never helped, I assumed the role of feeling like I wasn't a real person. I felt like a sociopath with no emotion, I guess that is why I am so good in Drama. I think it was easier to assume the identity of someone else's instead of your own because you can forget about your problems and your situation for a while.

My way of getting out of that funky mood was to take a break. So I went over my friends house. Her name is Tykiera. We went out to White Marsh to go see this really funny Rated R movie called That Awkward Moment. It was really funny and really awkward because we had to watch Zac Efron have sex with this girl while Tykiera's mom was there. It was suppose to just be me and her, but she didn't know it was Rated R so she was forced to stay. After that her mom left, me and Tykiera roamed the mall and bought a little bit of jewelry. I ate at Chick-Fil-A for the first time. They have really good chicken. After that we went home and the next day, we watched the superbowl. It was the Denver Broncos vs. the Seattle Seahawks. The Broncos won!

After that I went home back to my busy life. It rained when I left which is a sign of sadness and a sign that someone died somewhere (I'm a deep person). I got to school on the time for the first time because I was always late to my first period. I don't roam the halls or anything like that, it's just that I always am late catching the bus (But in the present, I am early to school). Anyway, on this particular day back to school, I got all my results from the midterm back. My best Midterm is a 94 from Spanish. I though my highest would be Drama since I did have a hundred in that class for 1st and 2nd quarter. I got a eighty-three on my midterm for Drama. I was devastated, I thought I would have done better on that, but of course, there was little mistakes! I found out I got a sixty six on my Algebra midterm and I have a D+ in Chemistry. The thing was that I really started not to care about it to much, because I knew that things would get better, or at least I hoped.

The next week was still a struggle. I began telling myself that I wasn't stressed so that my body wouldn't feel like it was. Moving into the new house and unpacking was postponed which left me to have to sleep in my mom's room for the time being. I kinda didn't like that because that meant me having to take  break from inner darkness which is watching porn. I don't watch it all the time, but on this week, I watched Dawson's Creek for about fifteen hours straight. I like to watch it because it gives me clarity. The show came out the year I was born so I think I was destined to relate to it. Anyway, watching this show was giving me clarity on who I want to be, not what others expect me to become. I was also getting this sense of why I always felt so alone. It's because I wanted someone there with me. Someone I could confide to in my time of struggle, someone who would hold me when I need them to. I just wanted someone there to talk to.

But now I feel that through all these journal entries I can reflect. I am not alone anymore, I can communicate with you guys.I Whether it is physically or technically, it's still a interaction. Anyway, this is the stuff that I usually write in my journal. I need to start writing in it like I did before, but I don't know anymore, it's just so much easier talking to you guys. But let me just write in it one more time before I decide to let it go. Tootles!

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