Wednesday, June 11, 2014

It Is The End Of 10th Grade For Me!

So today was the last day of school for my tenth grade year. I am happy and I feel that things have changed. Last year, I didn't feel that way as much as I do now.

This is how teachers feel:

This is how everyone else feels: 

But this is how I feel:

Yesterday something inside me turn off. Something that actually made me become aware of the situation I am living in. All this time I never knew what was wrong with me until now! I found my root. I found the reason why I am not functioning like I want to. It is because of my family. They bickering and the arguing all makes me not express how I feel. I have to always worry about what not to say to my sister so that she won't get offended and go all agitated on me. She holds me back from being who I truly am because I always have to limit myself to her so that I don't cause a reaction from her. That is why I don't talk that much around her.

But it is not just my sister either, it's my mom too. Sometimes my mom makes stupid decisions that impact and cause a reaction from my sister. My mom, I love her dearly, can be very talkative and too outgoing. She does things that we don't really agree with, and when my sister tries to change her, it doesn't work. That irritates my sister and my mother and that just makes their relationship more fucked up.

Which leads me to why I am so messed up. When they bicker and rant, I have to try and be the one to fix everything, because that is the only thing they allow me to do and that is what I feel I have to do. They put me in the middle and I don't like being in the middle. It is too much and that is why I worry so much. It adds on to the weight I am already carrying about my future and my past and the present. I am only fifteen and I have a unpaid full time job: worrying.

What makes matters worse it that I don't think my mom and my sister will ever get on terms where they can be happy. It is that bad. I feel there is no solution to the problem and that makes me mad and sad at the same time. This feeling is conflicting with my other emotions and how I should be feeling. I just finished my tenth grade of high school and I am now a junior. I should be happy about that, but I don't feel anything! I had to take three pills of my medicine, when I am only suppose to take one. My heart can't handle this much, it is eventually going to kill me!

I just want to have fun during the summer. I want to have fun, go to the beach, meet new people and earn some money, without having to worry about them. I am not being selfish, I just need a break! I don't want to leave it off like this so I am going to end on this: Have a happy summer and enjoy it until the next year round. I'll be happy soon, so don't worry. I love all of my readers and really appreciate you for your support.


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